Dear Santa, I Can Explain

liftarn_Make_a_Santa_listDear Santa,

Do you really know who is naughty or nice?

If you do, let me explain.

I’m not really naughty. I just get caught a lot. My sister never gets caught and that is why she gets everything she wants.

You need to look into her.

Now about that cookie jar. I only took the last few. I don’t know where the other ones went. I couldn’t have eaten an entire jar of cookies by myself because I had a stomach ache that day.

And as for the dog in the house. It wasn’t my fault. Scooter knows he’s supposed to stay outside but he came in anyway. He wouldn’t leave so I had to chase him. It really wasn’t that bad. We have lots of other ornaments and lights for the Christmas tree.

I did my book report, even though Mrs Cravats says I didn’t. You know how kids claim their dog ate their homework? Well, it happens.

Can we clear up a few other things too?

  • How would I know you can’t microwave keys?
  • Am I the only boy with my name who can pee it in the snow?
  • I didn’t chase Cindy Johnson with a snake. I was just trying to give it to her.
  • About the yard-sale, how was I supposed to know mom wanted all that junk?  Dad says her Barbie collection was too big anyway.
  • What was wrong with telling Aunt Ethel she has some serious issues?  Mom says so.
  • After taking the washing machine apart, I planned to put it back together.  Why was everyone so mad?

Finally, I admit it. It was me who fed crayons to Scooter to see if he could poop different colors. That was bad.  Honest, I don’t know what got into me.

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

44 thoughts on “Dear Santa, I Can Explain”

  8. We used to have a poodle. It would eat crayons if they were left out on the floor. Yes. They do poop in color. The yard is aglow in bits of color after a good rain.

    As to criminals blaming others, I taught for a while in a state prison school in IL. The number of innocents in there was kind of amazing. (btw…fyi…I wasn’t an inmate)

    1. “They do poop in color. The yard is aglow in bits of color after a good rain.”

      That gives me all kinds of ideas!

      The number of innocents in there was kind of amazing.

      I remember overhearing this conversation.

      “Whaddya mean you’re revoking my parole?”
      “One of your conditions was that you stay away from alcohol.”
      “But I only had one drink.”
      “When you were stopped, your blood alcohol was .1… well over the limit.”
      “It wasn’t that big of a drink, was it?”

      1. Back in the late 70s, I taught reading in a prison school. Four other teachers did science, math, social studies, and english. It was elementary level intended to let the guys graduate from 8th grade. We had 4 classrooms on the 3rd floor of an old cell house.

        After several weeks of class I was giving a quiz on some reading topics I’d taught. A tall inmate came up and handed me his quiz. Then, he stood in front of a smaller guy in the front row who was not done. He quietly talked to him trying to make him mad. The smaller guy said to go away. I also asked him to sit down and let him finish. He didn’t. The smaller guy handed me his quiz. The two proceeded to have a wrestling match right there next to me. The 3 other rooms poured into mine. I left to the safety of the empty rooms and the guard. It was broken up by the other inmates quickly.

        A few weeks later we saw the big guy again. He said he did it on purpose to delay parole. It worked. Eventually, he was out on parole. It lasted only a few weeks and he was back. He said he had no place to stay, no job, no family to help him out. Prison was his best option.

        1. It is very sad…and it often starts very early. I was on a ride-alone when we were called in to secure a scene. The kids had been taken away by social services earlier and when the cop and I got talking about their chances in life, he said, “tell me what you do not see here.”

          I looked around and the place was pretty sparse. There was no food in the cupboards or in the refrigerator – but other than that, nothing caught my eye, so I asked what it was I was not seeing.

          The cop then said, “try to find one printed word.”

          There were no books, no magazines, no newspapers, no school work, no drawings – nothing – they didn’t even have a television. All they had for culture was music and drugs.

    1. To be truly good at anything you must be born with potential and practice, practice, practice. Except me, at being a naughty kid, I was a natural.

  11. Love it. You’ve made my day. And, no, I didn’t carry tiny frogs home in the water pail. They must have jumped into my Aunt’s dipper by mistake.

  12. I’m pretty certain Santa will give you something for Christmas for the simple fact that you gave him a good belly laugh. Watch my blog this week for a roadside message to Santa spotted in New Ulm. The writer seems to think like you.

  14. I never thought of trying to explain myself to Santa. I just assumed that, since he sees all and knows all and still has been showing up on an annual basis, he was a pretty forgiving guy. My role was to put out the cookies and milk, go to bed on time, and write him a thank-you note on December 26. This may help to explain why I still look forward to his visits.

    1. Your approach sounds reasonable and of course Santa is a pretty forgiving guy – but what is at stake here is his generosity – and that is a risk that can only be mitigated by much explanation.

    1. He did admit feeding crayons to Scooter, I suppose that would be a confession. Maybe even a first. I wrote this as a tongue in cheek – but after a career in law enforcement, you get used to people who should be adults – explaining away their actions. It is never their fault.

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