My (Evil) Coffee Maker

speciwoman-coffee-machine-800px“You did it again,” my wife said, shooting me an accusatory glance.

My denial was pure reflex.  “No, I didn’t.”

“You did so.”

“Did what?” I asked.

“You left the coffee maker on.”

Oh that.

“No I didn’t,” I told her.

“I don’t drink coffee,” she said, “so who did?”

“It wasn’t me,” I said, “it turns itself on.”  I wasn’t lying, our coffee maker does that.

I know for a fact that I flipped the OFF switch after pouring my last cup of coffee. I also remember watching the little green indicator light go dark.  Now it is back on.

It does not surprise me because the coffee maker has been acting strange for weeks. Most of our minor appliances are doing the same. I think it is the electricity.

Maybe it is caused by the windmills. At night, their aviation lights pulsate eerily across the entire horizon – twinkling like malevolent red stars. Nothing good can come of that.

Some old farmers swear it is the high tension wires. They say the prairie wind strums them like a guitar and plays a bitter tune composed in the loneliest reaches of Canada.

Others say you have to consider where the power has been.

It courses through abandoned farm sites where it wicks up the loneliness of uncared for, unloved and unwanted buildings.  Not much good can come of that either.

But whatever it is, there is something in that power that is not entirely electrical.

I first noticed it when the coffee maker was new.  When I poured fresh water into the reservoir – it hissed at me. I thought nothing of it, figuring the ON switch was inadvertently flipped during shipping.

But it occurs too often for happenstance and all of our appliances have been acting up.

Then last evening something went bump in the night.

At first we blamed the cats.

The cats are supposed to stay off our kitchen counter – but they never do. As soon as we are out of sight, they jump up there. At night, they stroll about the counter as if it were a promenade.

We know they do this because they knock things over.

Soon after midnight, one cat howled and the other yowled as the blender shattered on the kitchen tiles. Both cats high-tailed it to the basement as we came out to investigate.

That was when my wife shot me her accusatory glance and I denied leaving the coffee maker on.

“You can’t deny that,” she said, pointing.

Across the kitchen, the coffee maker hotplate crackled, blue sparks danced out the back and the ON indicator glowed at us harshly.

“One of these days,” she said, “you’re going to burn the house down.”

“Honey…” I said.

“What?”

“It’s not plugged in.”

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

45 thoughts on “My (Evil) Coffee Maker”

  1. Cover all your doorknobs with aluminum foil , first. Then put the coffee-maker under a pyramid of some sort . Unplug everything and boil water for coffee on the stove for several weeks . Then , check back for further instructions . Hanging garlic around the house also help in some cases .

  2. I don’t drink coffee, but my husband requires it to survive! His coffee maker is possessed like yours! Must be the manufacturer’s desire to steal both electricity and sleep from the owners of the house. Having excellent hearing, I hear the moment it turns itself on no matter what time it is! Drives me nuts!

  3. Clearly, it’s the cats. You think they’re having a promenade, but they’re actually having a midnight cuppa. Check them for coffe breath and you’ll see that I’m right.

  4. Sounds like a Stephen King short story in the making. Our coffee maker has a built-in turn off system, so it goes off after about 2 hours even if you forget to shut it off!

  5. Love the beautiful descriptive lines in here … prairie winds, neglected farm sites. And then there’s the majesty of the cats promenade. Great post!

  6. Not plugged in you say! Albeit lowering the bar a tad is there a nearby brothel with electrical devices on hand? Ask there…see if such devices are activated whilst unplugged…the tale could go viral, you’d sell the film franchise rights I reckon!

      1. When my youngest was taking driving lessons his instructor regularly got him to practice his parking skills in the car park of a place called Pussycats but 10 miles from here…I shall say no more!

  7. Not to be paranoid but it’s the Chinese. Tiny bits of espionage plotted and planned by them to weaken and tear at the fabric of our imperialist/capitalist/consumerist nation. I read enough about it in my wife’s supermarket checkout newspapers. The ones with the REAL pictures of the space aliens. Think about it. All these electronic devices are abundant and priced to sell. Why? They are all made in China by workers paid in bags of rice. China. Computers, audio equipment, televisions and even baby monitors. E-gad, they are after our kid’s too! I’m convinced there is a department somewhere in their vast country responsible for inventing and implanting tricky little electronic micro gremlins into all of our consumer electronics. It’s a perfect plan. And not to be discovered. When was the last time you took ANY cheap electronic device into a trained and qualified repair shop that would charge more than the device was worth just to fill out the repair order? No, we go right out and buy a replacement with the newest and gremliest device inside. Doomed I say!

  8. I’m not allowed to work the appliances. Our coffee maker has a timer function and it is set to accommodate the Mrs’ schedule. It’s a nice arrangement. She gets up earlier than me and I like my coffee to be a little burnt. I’m not in charge of turning things off, because I don’t. I’d suggest getting a new one, but each generation is worse than the one that came before it.

    1. I am tempted to get a blue enamel coffee pot with a peculator and brew only Folgers out of a steel can. The only reason I do not do this, is that I reserve the experience for canoeing in Canada. There is nothing as satisfying and tasty as coffee peculated over a camp fire.

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