My Diet

On the way to the supermarket, my wife informs me that I am going on a diet.

To soften the blow, she volunteers to diet with me.

But at the store, we each go our separate ways. She to fill her cart with good things that she will never touch. I to fill mine with bad things that I fully intended to devour.

At the cash register, she asks, “Have you no self-discipline?”

She knows I do not.

On the other hand, I see nothing in her cart to inspire a diet.

She has bags of leafy substances, each bearing a strange name and an equally unappealing appearance. What she calls salad is really weeds that grow in abundance because nothing else will eat it – yet the stuff costs a fortune because only people who force themselves and their spouses to diet, will buy it.

She also has grains from exotic places where all the people are skinny – because they too refuse to chew the stuff.

And lastly she has piles of plastic pill bottles, chuck-full of powders, potions and promises.

It is all so uninspiring.

But that is just it, she is right, I have no discipline and never have had any.

Unlike my wife who can summon up the iron will to diet for a few weeks at a time, whenever I am challenged by temptation, I quickly apologize to temptation for having to go to all the trouble of challenging me.

In short, I like to get out ahead of temptation by indulging in whatever inspires me.

But she is right, I have put on too much weight over the winter and need to take it off.  So on my walk, I talk this over with my dog, Scooter, who pulls on his leash and pants in the heat of the day.

I tell him that rather than nagging what I require is inspiration.

But dogs do not understand such things.

Or maybe they do.

At the intersection of two gravel roads, where we usually turn left, Scooter pulls hard to the right – and drags me onto the route that takes the long, long, way home.

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

40 thoughts on “My Diet”

  2. Great post. my wife and I are the same. There’s probably a perfect balance half way between the two of us somewhere! 🙂

  3. Our solution is “shakes.” I put all that green stuff, the grains, and those powders in the blender with lots of frozen fruit and yogurt and whip it up. It tastes like a smoothie. The husband has no idea. 😀

  4. I had to chuckle while reading this well written post, as it is all too familiar territory….. I have discovered that rather than “go on a diet” changing the way I eat, which happened out of necessity, made it easier and more exciting to eat food that is nourishing and then eventually it becomes the norm.
    I thought on the long way home you might go past a hot dog stand or grab some french fries for a quick “cheat”.

    Peta

    1. You know….. I kinda wondered why Scooter chose the long way home that led past where the volleyball teams was holding a bratwurst and sauerkraut fundraiser.

  5. So good! My poor husband who was (refuse to call him my ex). I can’t tell you how many times I subjected him to this scenario (somewhat telling, I suppose). He was such a trooper, though, as it seems you are. Someone has to keep you all from self-destructing. 🙂 Fun post!

  6. The long way home is always the best option, as Fido knows. As for diets, I’m there too but I still eat everything I like, just less of it! And it works… sort of, occasionally, once in a while. –Curt

  7. I need to monitor my husband’s purchases also. I’ve successfully kept him from buying chips now for some five months. He’s lost about 20 pounds and I’ve lost nearly as much simply by eating less, avoiding carbs and trying not to eat after supper.

    Smart Scooter.

  9. As I read your brilliant summation of the dieters fare, I finally figured out what it is about “Whole Foods” that has always troubled me. It’s not just the price, or the fact that I need to dress in business casual in order to fit in. It’s the name. More than half the store is occupied by derivatives of the starving kale and rice cake families. Sounds like false advertising to me…

  11. I was wondering why I’ve been seeing so many odd greens in the grocery stores and trendy restaurants lately! And now I know: they don’t have to pay for them. They are just going out in the country and cutting all the stuff the animals are smart enough not to eat. (I always learn something from your posts.) Yet another reason not to diet in the conventional sense of the word. Scooter is smart enough to know that if you need to lose a couple of pounds, just take the long way home. Self-discipline is over rated.

  12. I can quite understand the diet dilemma. Whenever I do one I end up gaining weight. I went on a cabbage soup diet way back when. All I lost was human companionship and my desire to live. Super post, Greg.

  16. Ditto on the winter weight gain.

    I’d say that I have no will power, but that’s not true. I surely do. I just fail to exercise it. Exercise, as Scooter knows, being the key word. Best wishes.

    1. In Alaska, sometime in late summer, the supermarkets remove an aisle of shelves and move in pallets of peanuts. It is how people pack on that extra ten pounds to carry them through the winter……. alright, alright, twenty pounds.

  17. My cats prefer I stay in at night, rather than take a walk. That way, they have access to warm-blooded furniture with a built in head-scratching appliance.

    I fought with temptation all last summer and actually (GASP!!!) won the battle.

    1. Everyone needs a dog and every dog needs a someone. Cats are different though, some people think they need them but cats only need food, a clean litter box and new furniture to sharpen their claws on.

  19. I wonder where he would lead you if you took him to the grocery store? I think I know, so maybe you could tell your beloved that you’re going to begin dieting by allowing the pooch to set the menu.

    1. Ah…. that would not be a good idea. Scooter’s favorite canned dog food comes from the parts of the pig that even the coyotes leave behind.

  20. Our dog dictates the length/route of our walk. Arguing with her is isometric exercise and is counted as such. Still, as with the Borg, resistance is futile.

    “yet the stuff is still hideously expensive because only people who force themselves and their spouses to diet, are willing eat it” – you left out “doomed to spoil within hours of being placed in the alleged crisper.

    Excellent post 🙂

  22. I think it’s funny that we are so easily manipulated by our pets. Oh, and wives, too!

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