My Diet

On the way to the store, she said I needed to go on a diet.

She then volunteered to diet with me.

Rather than reflect on what she was really saying, I quickly agreed, least we find ourselves headed into uncomfortable territory.

At the store, we went our separate ways. She to fill the cart with good things that she will never eat. I to snatch bad things off the shelf – which I fully intended to eat every last morsel of.

Until I dropped them into the grocery cart.

“Have you no self-discipline?” she asked.

She knows I do not.

On the other hand, I saw nothing in her cart that inspired me to diet.

There were bags upon bags of leafy substances that bore strange names and revealed an equally unfamiliar appearance. They were the sort of plants that grow everywhere in abundance because bovines, birds and bunnies turn up their noses at them – yet the stuff is still hideously expensive because only people who force themselves and their spouses to diet, are willing eat it.

There were cartons filled with grains from exotic places, places where all the people are skinny – because they too refuse to chew or swallow the stuff.

Then there were the containers filled to the brim with powders, potions and promises.

It was all so uninspiring.

But that is just it, she was right, I have no discipline and never have had any. Unlike my wife who can summon up the iron will to diet for a few weeks, whenever I am challenged by temptation, I quickly apologize to temptation for having to go to all the trouble of challenging me.

In short, I like to get out ahead of temptation by indulging in whatever inspires me.

As a kid, I never did my homework and had to be yelled at to do my chores. Never once as far as I know did I do anything that I did not want to do voluntarily.

But still I have enjoyed a lucrative and satisfying life without once resorting to the joylessness of discipline.

But she is right, I put on too much weight over the winter and need to take it off.

On my walk, I talked this over with Scooter as he pulled on his leash and panted in the heat of the day.

I told him I needed inspiration – and he being the dog he is, pulled me to the right instead of the left at the crossing of two gravel roads and under a blazing blue sky and white hot sun, we took the long, long way home.

Author: Almost Iowa

40 thoughts on “My Diet”

  1. Our solution is “shakes.” I put all that green stuff, the grains, and those powders in the blender with lots of frozen fruit and yogurt and whip it up. It tastes like a smoothie. The husband has no idea. 😀

  2. I had to chuckle while reading this well written post, as it is all too familiar territory….. I have discovered that rather than “go on a diet” changing the way I eat, which happened out of necessity, made it easier and more exciting to eat food that is nourishing and then eventually it becomes the norm.
    I thought on the long way home you might go past a hot dog stand or grab some french fries for a quick “cheat”.


  3. So good! My poor husband who was (refuse to call him my ex). I can’t tell you how many times I subjected him to this scenario (somewhat telling, I suppose). He was such a trooper, though, as it seems you are. Someone has to keep you all from self-destructing. 🙂 Fun post!

  4. The long way home is always the best option, as Fido knows. As for diets, I’m there too but I still eat everything I like, just less of it! And it works… sort of, occasionally, once in a while. –Curt

  5. I need to monitor my husband’s purchases also. I’ve successfully kept him from buying chips now for some five months. He’s lost about 20 pounds and I’ve lost nearly as much simply by eating less, avoiding carbs and trying not to eat after supper.

    Smart Scooter.

  6. As I read your brilliant summation of the dieters fare, I finally figured out what it is about “Whole Foods” that has always troubled me. It’s not just the price, or the fact that I need to dress in business casual in order to fit in. It’s the name. More than half the store is occupied by derivatives of the starving kale and rice cake families. Sounds like false advertising to me…

  7. I was wondering why I’ve been seeing so many odd greens in the grocery stores and trendy restaurants lately! And now I know: they don’t have to pay for them. They are just going out in the country and cutting all the stuff the animals are smart enough not to eat. (I always learn something from your posts.) Yet another reason not to diet in the conventional sense of the word. Scooter is smart enough to know that if you need to lose a couple of pounds, just take the long way home. Self-discipline is over rated.

  8. I can quite understand the diet dilemma. Whenever I do one I end up gaining weight. I went on a cabbage soup diet way back when. All I lost was human companionship and my desire to live. Super post, Greg.

  9. Ditto on the winter weight gain.

    I’d say that I have no will power, but that’s not true. I surely do. I just fail to exercise it. Exercise, as Scooter knows, being the key word. Best wishes.

    1. In Alaska, sometime in late summer, the supermarkets remove an aisle of shelves and move in pallets of peanuts. It is how people pack on that extra ten pounds to carry them through the winter……. alright, alright, twenty pounds.

  10. My cats prefer I stay in at night, rather than take a walk. That way, they have access to warm-blooded furniture with a built in head-scratching appliance.

    I fought with temptation all last summer and actually (GASP!!!) won the battle.

    1. Everyone needs a dog and every dog needs a someone. Cats are different though, some people think they need them but cats only need food, a clean litter box and new furniture to sharpen their claws on.

  11. I wonder where he would lead you if you took him to the grocery store? I think I know, so maybe you could tell your beloved that you’re going to begin dieting by allowing the pooch to set the menu.

  12. Our dog dictates the length/route of our walk. Arguing with her is isometric exercise and is counted as such. Still, as with the Borg, resistance is futile.

    “yet the stuff is still hideously expensive because only people who force themselves and their spouses to diet, are willing eat it” – you left out “doomed to spoil within hours of being placed in the alleged crisper.

    Excellent post 🙂

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