I had never seen such an ugly, mean little dog. It looked like an explosion in a hair salon.
At first sight, it wanted to kill me.
A moment later, the feeling was mutual.
All I wanted to know is why it was tethered to the railing outside my condo – then I spotted my old buddy Stan.
“Could you take care of Chester?” he asked.
I hadn’t seen or heard from Stan in months. Now here he was on my doorstep asking for a favor. But that was Stan.
“It’s just for an hour,” he assured me, “I have to take a bus downtown to straighten a few things out and Chester is banned from riding the MTC.”
I told Stan no, but my refusal caught him halfway to the street, leaving Chester lashed to my rail.
He called an hour later from the county lock-up. “I didn’t make bail,” he told me.
“So what does that mean?” I asked.
“Six months,” he said.
“What am I going to do with Chester in the meantime? He hates me.”
“Don’t take it personally,” Stan said, “Chester hates everybody and everything. He has socialization issues. He hates other dogs. He hates his shadow. He even hates his tail: he will bark at it for days.”
“Is there anything he likes?” I asked.
“He loves the Home Shopping Network,” Stan said, “it’s why I brought him to your place. You have cable.”
It made a certain kind of Stan-sense.
Sure enough, after hanging up on Stan, I wrangled the mutt into my condo, set the cable box to HSN and Wow! The little guy scampered up onto my lap, curled into ball and dozed off watching the nice lady sell jewelry.
Over the next few weeks we managed to work some things out. Chester likes HSN whereas I prefer PBS. So we compromised by watching Masterpiece Theater together.
It turns out that Chester loves Downton Abbey but he hates Bates. Whenever the star-crossed butler appears on-screen, Chester rips large chunks out of my coffee table, so I ordered the DVD boxed set and edited out the scenes with Bates.
This went on for three months until I learned that Stan had been out of the workhouse on early release for two of those months. I tracked him down.
“Come and get your dog,” I told him.
“I heard you two were getting along,” he said.
“It’s your dog, not mine.”
“People don’t choose dogs,” he said, “dogs choose people.”
“Where are you living, Stan?”
“With Darcy, she took me back in,” Stan said, “I’m blessed.”
“And she hates Chester.”
“Bingo!” he said.
So I packed up Chester’s food, his bed, his Dowton Abbey DVD’s and headed out the door for Darcy’s house. At the door, Chester attacked me. He had done it before – but not like that. He went at me with a rage far beyond his normal psychotic self. He knew the score. Darcy does not have cable.
He would have killed me had not my neighbor Helen opened her door.
“Call 911!” I yelled.
At that very instant, Chester froze in mid-flight and cocked his little head toward the murmur of the Home Shopping Network wafting out of Helen’s apartment. He landed gently on his paws and scampered into her living room.
“People like you shouldn’t own dogs,” Helen said, slamming her door.
I can’t say it was the last I saw of Chester.
Until I moved to Almost Iowa, I passed by Helen’s every day and there he was, bouncing off her window in a psychotic rage – but he had found a kindred spirit. Helen hates everybody and everything as much as Chester; the only thing she likes is the Home Shopping Network.
Almost Iowa 
This is hysterical! I love the Home Shopping connection. My cat likes the Food Network.
Take care, after my cats started watching that, the cheap big bag of Purina dumped into their feeder is no longer acceptable. Now they demand that I cook for them.
Oh yes! It’s all coming back to me now!! Duly noted and sealed into my memory.
I bet this is a true story. Thanks for the giggles.
Yes, Helen and Chester are a match made in doggie heaven or hell! I chuckled all the way through and thanked my lucky star I’ve never been owned by a dog quite like Chester. I am not a HSN fan!
Fast-moving and very funny!
Sometimes these stories just write themselves. Other times, they are more like Chester.
I know what you mean.
Love it! Reminds me of dogs I grew up with! hahaha!
I lived in a neighborhood of big houses and larger family. We had eleven kids and were considered slackers. There were so many kids and so many dogs that we all lost count. One day, my dad was shocked to learn we had six dogs. “Where are they?” he asked. We just shrugged. We didn’t know where half our siblings were.
That’s hilarious!
Love this little story! Anything about a dog is good. It’s a quick read with enough twists to keep me reading the whole thing! And chuckling! Great writing!
Thanks C.E. You can’t lose with a dog story, even an ugly dog story.
Chester and Helen make a wonderful couple! Another little gem – especially liked the “explosion in a hair salon.”
They really do make a grand couple. The loneliest thing in the world is to bark at walls alone, the most exhilarating is to howl in a chorus.
Seriously so funny I thought it was fiction! Wow!
All my stories are fiction. They have to be. The population of my small town is 4 (counting the chickens). Since everyone knows everything about everybody, I write in a way that people can say, “Hey, that’s me!” and at the same time “No way, that’s me!”
Oh dear – sorry! What a creative genius you are! Good thing it’s not really true – but oh so funny! New follower – I’ll catch on! LOL!
Jodi, I just started reading Almost Iowa recently, too, and didn’t realize at first that I was reading fiction. I’m catching on. You’ll love the writing here, which holds bits of truth through the humor.
As always, some pretty darned good writing.
I think we all know Chesters and Helens.
To paraphrase Steven Colbert, it’s not true but it has truthiness.
Well said.
Thanks for helping me feel not quite so stupid! 🙂
There is no feeling stupid here. This is a place where we celebrate silliness.
YAY! I like silliness! 🙂
I agree. No stupid.
Sounds like Helen found her soulmate.
She did. So did Chester for that matter. The two of them spend their days loving each other and hating the world.
It’s sweet in a perverse way.
I love it! I needed a bad dog fix today! I’ll retaliate with a tale about the Dalmatian we all hated for thirteen long years, Annie.
Glad to fix you up with a shot of dysfunctional dog… Hmmm, that reminds me, I have to take Scooter out on his long walk today. If I don’t tire him out, he gets a lot like Chester. [shudder]