I had high hopes for lunch and figured a bowl of soup and a grill cheese sandwich would do quite nicely.
So I strolled into the pantry…
We had oodles of soup – but nothing I would recognize as such.
Note: I do not consider anything called asparagus cheesy potato as soup.
The closest I could find to eatable was Fat Free Creamy Chicken Chili. So much for that. (I shuddered to think how they reconciled creamy with fat free)
So I gave up on soup and settled for a grilled cheese sandwich.
We had bread but it appeared that once the wheat was separated from the chaff, they baked the chaff. And as for the cheese – all I can say is that I intend to alert the proper authorities to whatever was done to make goats produce something that nasty.
So we had a full pantry and not a thing to eat.
At first blush, I could blame no one but myself. I do most of the cooking, thus most of the shopping and I buy only what we eat and make sure we eat what I buy.
But there is another factor: occasionally someone comes with me to the store and while I dutifully stock up on the essentials, she ranges far and wide for whimsy.
Here is how she rationalizes her purchases:
It is good for us
Most of what is good for us, rarely is – because we rarely eat it. When our mothers served things that were good for us, it only made the dog sick because we tossed them under the table.
We have to try this
What else would explain asparagus cheesy potato soup? Once we buy something like this we become trapped between the shame of throwing food away and the embarrassment of tossing it into the food drive box.
I’ve been looking for this forever, let’s stock up
We have nine gallons of Green Tea With Orange Ginseng Root lining the floor of our pantry and several cases of Grapefruit Lemonade Juice in the garage. These things will never be consumed because as was explained to me, “why then we would be out of them – and we can’t have that”.
I know you don’t like it but I do.
My wife knows I loathe peanut butter, she then makes sure there is plenty of it in everything she does not want to share.
Corn meal (a metaphor)
Corn meal is an excellent nontoxic method of controlling ants. We sprinkle it along the baseboards and under the sink: areas where the little creatures roam. The ants love us for it and they munch on corn meal all day and into night, merrily filling their little gullets until they starve to death because they cannot digest it.
Corn meal perfectly describes all the food in our pantry for its abundance and lack of sustenance. It also describes all the things that fill our lives but lack substance. Corn meal is the perfect metaphor for the 300 channels on our cable television.
But then I ask myself, what if it is not a metaphor? What if my wife is slowly starving me to death by filling the pantry with things I will not eat? Have I become an ant she is trying to get rid of?
So I grab my keys off the counter and announce, “I’m going out for a beer and a burger.”
She stops me with a look of concern.
“You need to eat better,” she says, “we have a pantry full of good food.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“Well,” she says, “why don’t you cook up some delicious corn bread?”
A burger and a beer never tasted better.