My Blender

1274280423“Don’t even go there,” my wife snapped.

We were squabbling over our old West Bend blender, but in truth, we were fighting about something else.

You might say the blender has become a proxy of sorts. We prefer to squawk about it rather than fight over things far more contentious.

I just told her it was broken. She knows this. The rubber lid is hopelessly warped and the seals shot, which is why it inevitably leaves a mess.

But she will never admit it.

Every morning, my wife and that blender collaborate on a project they call breakfast. It begins with her slopping a big dollop of yogurt into the jar. She then pours in a measure of milk and sprinkles on a layer of protein powder. After that comes the frozen fruits.

Once the jar is filled to the brim, she pops the lid on, hits the high speed button and leaps clear.

The thing is – neither she nor the blender have ever fully agreed on just what constitutes breakfast.

When she adds milk, the blender subtracts yogurt.

What she measures as protein powder, the blender casts off as excess.

While she does science, it does art.

The result is left for me to wipe off the counter after she bolts out the door on her way to work and usually, I take this in stride.

But this morning, we are stewing at each other.

Our roof has been leaking since mid-summer and I promised to get to it – but with the rain, with other projects and a bit of procrastination, I never did. Now harvest and winter are almost upon us – and she has made it known that she is not happy.

So neither am I.

“Look at the mess that thing made,” I growl.

“It’s nothing compared to what your coffee maker does,” she fires back.

She has a point. A dark puddle has oozed out from under the maker and a trail of splatters testify to a carafe that dribbles more than it pours.

So she takes it out on my coffee maker after I take it out on her blender, and thus not a word gets spoken about the leaky roof.

“Maybe we ought to just toss them both out,” one of us threatens.

“Maybe so,” the other counters.

But we won’t. She loves the old blender, and the coffee maker knows exactly how I prefer my morning cup of Joe. Still, we argue, undeterred by the haunting feeling that we are being observed.

Eventually, we simmer down and go about our day.

That night, despite a clear crescent moon and a sky sprinkled with stars, I suspect a storm has rumbled through. Storms always upset the cats. I could hear them thrashing about the kitchen – and deep in the night, flashes of blue light lit the crack beneath our bedroom door.

When morning arrives, my wife gets up before I do. In the kitchen, I hear her gasp in alarm and hurry out to see what is the matter.

There on the counter, we find the blender and the coffee maker huddled together, trembling, their cords desperately entwined.

Gulp…quite the rebuke.

“I guess we shouldn’t squabble around the appliances,” she says.

“Nor each other,” I observe.

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

47 thoughts on “My Blender”

  1. This sounds so funny and so familiar. I adore your writing voice.

    We have decided to throw out appliances as and when they get on our nerves and the lady who drops in to help is once or twice a week is only too happy to collect the spoils.

  2. Haha! I had a blender for years that had a hole in the top where the handle used to be but ‘dropped out.’ I’d put a plate over it and hope for the best. Eventually, I threw it out and haven’t had once since. I did buy a new appliance recently – an instant pot. It was supposed to be the appliance to end all appliance yearnings. I used it once, cleaned it up to look brand new and returned it. What a relief! And no arguments.

    1. It was supposed to be the appliance to end all appliance yearnings. I used it once, cleaned it up to look brand new and returned it. What a relief! And no arguments.

      So………indeed it was the appliance to end all appliance yearnings. 🙂 🙂

  3. And all this time I thought it was just copier machines and printers that had a crisis of confidence (or a dark side). Guess I should have realized the home appliances sense our moods as well. I suspect Stan could speak to that.

  4. After many coffee makers, in eons past, gave up the ghost within a week after the warranty wore out, I determined that the only way to best this planned obsolescence was to never buy another. Given that coffee is an important food group for me, I purchased a Thermos carafe with a stainless liner (not glass as I drop most things). It has been wonderful! I put the filter thingy over the top of it and make drip coffee right into it. It stays very hot for about 6 or 7 hours before turning to tepid… but stays very drinkable for 12 hours before going cold. The carafe was cheaper than a coffee maker and the current one is about 5 years old and still going strong. And… if you don’t use your blender for much of anything else, I’d recommend the Bullet; takes up less space and makes fab smoothies. I rarely use mine so it too has been around for years but does a great job.
    Procrastination — well, that’s another thing altogether, one of which I’m guilty so can’t offer any wisdom there 🙂
    Hope you’ve had a great day… love reading your postings, thank you.
    Mame

    1. I have seen people use those drip coffee makers and have had a cup or two from them. I liked the coffee so much that I resolved to get one…but then there is that procrastination thing. 🙂 🙂

  5. I would say maybe you should surprise your wife with a new blender and maybe she would buy you a new coffee pot. Even though she likes her old one, I am quite sure she would like a new one as well and you wouldn’t have the mess to clean up. As far as coffee pots are concerned, most coffee pots make coffee very well. It is the operator that determines how well the coffee tastes. After all, its just a blender and coffee pot. Relationships are much more important and a lot more enjoyable when there is peace and harmony. Hopefully you will get to the roof soon… Great post as always!

    1. I considered buying her a new blender but fear she may interpret that as an invitation to get a new husband, for just like her blender, her husband is showing his age. 🙂

  6. I don’t use blenders or coffee makers (I know, what writer can survive without caffeine?!), but one day when I was working on a television show, I walked into their office kitchen and saw the coffee maker vomiting out blown liquid all over the place and rattling. My only diagnosis was demon possession.

  7. My husband and I argue about new appliances. They are full of themselves, preoccupied with technology and so finicky. And they’re never as dependable as the old ones that I’ve gotten used to and know how to work. Be nice to your old appliances, Greg, or you might end up with new ones!

  8. My patience has never developed so I would have called the roofer by now, and bought a new blender and a coffee maker. I take my coffee seriously so I’d never be able to sleep if I thought the Capresso might go on the fritz. 🙂 This post is more than funny since Dan’s post this morning about appliances talking to us and sending us messages.

    1. I tried calling the roofers. Between the expansion of the Mayo Health System in Rochester and recent storms, their response is, “What decade are you thinking?”

      This reminds me of my favorite joke. One typical of the Russian Soviet era.

      A couple finally saves enough money to buy a German Trabant.
      When they go to order it, the dealer tells them there is a ten year wait.
      “Give us a date,” they insist.
      “Okay, it will be delivered in October 15, 1999.”
      “Morning or after noon?”
      “Why do you ask the time?”
      “We have a plumber coming in the morning.”

      1. Okay, that is funny, and I’ve got to share it. 🙂 The fact that none of us can find service people, however, is not so funny. We have friends who had water pouring into their kitchen, and the man they called who also was a friend told them he couldn’t get to it until April because that was the first opening. We tried to get the electrician who lives across the road from us to do a couple of jobs. He’s building out Aroma Joe’s in this area, and just can’t be tied up with small jobs. I’m not sure where all this is headed. Disposable homes or should we all rent so we can call the facilities guy?

  9. Yes, one should never fight in front of the appliances. Just think how they felt when the idea of casting them out was articulated. There is an appliance support group that can help. Also, there is a “Time Out” organization that will come and sit with your appliances if you need to get away for a little while. You are not alone in this and the important point is your appliances did not ask to come into your home.

    1. Or they could breed like cats and leave us litters upon litters that begets litter upon litters until the tyranny of smoothie maker mathematics drives us out of house and home. 🙂

    1. In my prime, I had much the same attitude. Now that I am older and spend an inordinate amount of time sputtering and hobbling about on warped knees, I am less inclined to toss things out. 🙂

  10. My first thought was that they’d been frightened by the storm, or inundated with rain from a leaky roof, and were hoping against hope you’d stop fussing about them and fix the danged thing!

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