Speed Dating With a Muse

As many of you know, my muse and I broke up last year.

I cast no blame, the fault was just as much mine as hers.

She wanted more from me, or perhaps she wanted more than me, but either way the result was the same: harsh words, flashes of anger and disappointment.

The usual stuff.

Don’t get me wrong, she was a good muse – and she promised to make me a great writer – but as good as some people are, they are just no good for each other.

I reminded her that I never aspired to greatness. She reminded me that I never aspired to anything.

We were both wasting each other’s time.

It was not an easy break. She fooled around and I goofed off. We split up, came back together, split up again and finally she stomped out of my writing room and snatched away with the only thing that was dear to both of us.

The pail of chocolate-chip ice cream that I keep hidden in the garage freezer from my diet.

Eventually family and friends urged me to move on – but that is always much harder than it seems and along came COVID, making it impossible to get out and about to meet anyone new, much less a muse.

But in the spirit of everything moving online, I subscribed to a trendy speed dating site called: My Muse and Me.

I had prepared myself for the inevitable slew of rejections, but there was no way one could possibly anticipated the chaff of useless encounters.

Here is a short transcript from the site log.

Muse: What’s your genre?

Me: Pisces.

Her: Huh?

Me: Sorry, I haven’t dated since the 60’s and astrological signs were all the rage back then.

Her: Click!

Muse: Let’s take a look at your hashtags.

Me: Well, hello to you.

Muse: #writer, #blogger, #humor. Seriously? Not one of those keywords are trending on any SEO platform.

Me: But it is who I am.

Muse: Click!

Muse: Are you published?

Me: Nope.

Muse: Click!

Muse: r u hot?

Me: Click!

And on and on and on. I never knew there was such a wide variety of muses. By sheer will power I managed to put in the hours necessary to harvest a few possibilities – but alas, I suppose it was the way I came across.

The result was always the same.



Muse: What are you looking for in a muse?

Me: Someone to have fun with.

Muse: (a little wary) Like how so?

Me: I dunno, just someone who likes to share silly stories.

Muse: and what would you expect from me?

Me: Not much, a bit of feedback and maybe a few clever lines.

Muse: Interesting… What do you have to offer?

Me: A pail of ice cream.

Muse: What flavor?

Me: Chocolate-chip.

She has yet to hang up.

Perhaps she could be the one.

Note: D. Wallace Peach (a fabulous writer and wonderful person) has challenged us to write about our muses. See Meet the Muse (prompt)

Muses have become an ongoing theme both here and at Diane’s Myths in the Mirror.

For the full story (at least from my side) of the contentious relationship between my muse and me, see:

My Muse

My Muse’s Bad Day

Breaking Up is Hard to Do, Especially With a Muse

Muse Management

Author: Almost Iowa


74 thoughts on “Speed Dating With a Muse”

  1. Have you considered shifting over to full-fledged chocolate ice cream? I don’t mean to be a snob here, but I do think chocolate chip is a half measure.

  2. LOL. I didn’t know you could break up with your muse. I thought they pestered you from the day you were born. Good to know. I’ll keep that on mind.

    1. I miss the Plain Old Telephone System (POTS) black desk phones. Whenever you got a telemarketing call, you could slam the headset onto the cradle with all the force of a pistol shot.

      Ooooh, how I miss that. 🙂

  3. Hi, I wish you luck in your quest. I succumbed to the lovely Diana’s request for Muse pieces. I’ve had a few, and this morning at 4.30 am a Joan Rivers lookalike arrived. I admit she has helped me in the past, but I discovered she’s been moonlighting and ‘served ‘ not two but twenty others in contradiction of the Muse Assn’s Constitution. How can a writer survive when faced with such a quantity of talent? As she can be both capricious and vindictive, I’ve warned said writers…(The fact she can also metamorphosize doesn’t help..).Hey hol

    1. As she can be both capricious and vindictive

      Oh, I have experienced that…

      Muse: Wow! That’s some fabulous writing!
      Me: You think so.
      Muse: It’s witty, yet profound, hard-hitting but sensitive.
      Me: Really?
      Muse: Sure, click “Publish”
      Me: I thought I’d polish it a bit.
      Muse: Naw, just go ahead and hit the button.
      Me: But it is just an incoherent first draft.
      Muse: It’s brilliant… Send it off to the world.
      Me: ….Uh, you are mad at me aren’t you?
      Muse: How did you guess?

  4. Nice to meet you Greg. I am visiting from Lovely Diana’s site. Oh, wow, “it isn’t you, it’s me” breakup. We have all had relationships like this. Speed dating site is exceptionally funny and witty take. “…suppose it was the way I came across..” hmmmmm…….you had me at ice cream. 🙂 Erica

  5. You have no idea how much we needed your humor on this challenge. Laughing through reading your post. Yeah, you are a writer. Get that chocolate chip ice cream out, 2 spoons, and open your mind to the new, promising muse. Let us know her name, if she works out. And if she stays, does she really like that ice cream or tries to entice you to change to a low calorie Halo Top, Wink frozen desert, Arctic Zero or Skinny Cow. 😳🤣 Christine

    1. Remember Aunt Clara from the TV show “Bewitched”. Uh-huh, that’s her older sister.

      You have a great turkey day too. Hope the cranberry sauce turns out spectacular!

  6. A while back, I decided having a Muse was too much like having an employer — working with a boss in an office. So, I quit, and started being my own muse. The pay’s not so great, but getting to set the rules and be my own HR department’s pretty sweet.

    1. From time to time, I have found a muse to be like the character in every office who wanders from cube to cube to complain about their lovers. It is how they avoid work as well as ensure that no one else does more than them.

      One wonders how they fare in the digital age, with blocking and all that. Perhaps that is why I found my productivity to be several orders of magnitude higher when I worked at home.

  7. I would suggest that if you can’t get her with ice cream, you might look for more of a tomboy muse and bring out the BBQ.

    Great post, Greg. Best of luck in your new relationship.

  8. Congrats on your new muse affair. May it be long and tortuous! I mean productive and fun. 🙂 Your muse posts were part of the original ones that stirred by muse imagination. Thanks Greg.

  9. This is great. I was hoping someone would interview muses and this fit the bill. So funny… and who knows, a new relationship in the making. I’m so glad you participated. Your posts always crack me up. I have you lined up for a reblog. Thanks so much for adding to the fun, Greg. 🙂

  10. Among the well-worn t-shirts in my closet is one that reads, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Sounds like you have found a wonderful new relationship. Keep up the good work! And keep the freeze stocked!

    1. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

      Hmmmmm, back when I worked for the Minnesota Department of Public Safety, I repeatedly suggested that the Driver Vehicle System (DVS) be subject to a “technological update”, which should happen at least every five years.

      They put it off for 30 years, then when it broke, by not complying with Real ID, they tried to rewrite it, all at once.

      The result was a $173 million disaster.

      The question becomes what is broke and what is too fragile to survive.

  11. First thing I thought of was ‘clickbait!’ There’s your muse. Then I Googled it: Clickbait generally doesn’t denote deep, useful content, so visitors tend not to stay for too long. So much for that muse…..

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: