The Pit On-line

GlitchSimplifiedStoolRing! Ring!

It was my buddy Stan.

“How about meeting at The Pit this afternoon?”

“Uh Stan, all bars in the state are shut-down due to the Covid pandemic.”

“That’s not a problem.”

“How so?”

The Pit has gone on-line.”

I suppose it makes sense.

Nobody goes to a bar just to drink. You can get drinks cheaper at a liquor store. You go to a bar to drink in the company of others. What you are paying for is atmosphere and no bar on earth has quite the atmosphere of our local tavern The Pit.  Contrary to some, it is not the end of the world – though you can clearly see it from there.

Admittedly, our pub is an acquired, though oddly addictive taste, mostly due to the abuse doled out by Ike, The Pit’s formidable bartender.

I just did not know how it would translate into the digital realm.

So Stan texted me the link to the on-line page where I found something like a video conference with Ike holding court.

Surrounding him in little thought bubbles were the regulars: Ronnie, Phil, Lloyd, George, Danny, Stan and myself.

Here is how the session went:

Ronnie: Hey Ike, can I get a Spotted Cow?

Ike (glaring): We don’t serve Spotted Cow.

Ronnie: That’s okay, I have one in my fridge.

Ike: (exasperated): So why the question?

Ronnie: Just wanted to know if I could get one.

Ike: Am I your mother?

Ronnie then returns with a bottle of beer.

Ike: That’ll be six bucks.

Ronnie: What?

Ike (slowly enunciating): Six.. bucks..

Ronnie: The sign above the bar says $2.00 beer.

Ike: That’s for draft. Craft beer is two bucks extra.

Ronnie: Then why six?

Ike: Two bucks for my tip.

Ronnie: Two?

Ike: My wisdom ain’t cheap. It’ll cost you a buck.

Ronnie: What’s the other dollar for?

Ike: My forbearance.

Ronnie: Ain’t worth it!

Ike: Then you’re out of here.


Poof! Ronnie’s bubble vanishes into the ether.


An instant later, Pop! Phil’s bubble also disappears.

Llyod: What happened to Phil?

Ike: He was complaining about Charlotte again. No one listens to his caterwauling when he’s in here, why should we now?


Then Wap! George’s bubble goes blank.

Ike explains: His dog walked into view. We all know pets ain’t allowed, especially his ugly mutt.


Fssssst…  Danny’s image slowly deflates.

Stan: What did he do?

Ike: He violated the dress code.

Stan: The Pit‘s got a dress code?

Ike: Yeah, we got standards.

Stan: Since when?


Click! Darkness engulfs Stan.


Ring! Ring!

Stan is ecstatic. “Wasn’t that great?”

“I can’t see how this is going to work, if he keeps 86’ing everybody.”

“Are you kidding? Ike is a rock-star. People love his abuse. It’s all over Facebook and Youtube. He has his own channel and is making a fortune. Critics are comparing him to Seinfeld’s soup Nazi.”

We really need to get back to normal.

Author: Almost Iowa

31 thoughts on “The Pit On-line”

  1. Gee sorry I got here way late. When I started reading the place was packed. Now its virtually empty ? And there is nothing worse than getting thrown out before you can finish your drink. And after the spotted milk question there is no way I am going to ask if the place plays moo-ed music ! What is the customary tip for being thrown out before you even get to take a sip of beer ?

  2. Good to see you made it back to the watering hole, if only virtually. I wore an “I like Ike” button back in 52. Another 3rd grader who was wearing an Adlai button got into a swearing match with me over which one was best. I knew more swear words but the other kid had a baseball bat and smashed me in the thigh. I ended up having to go to the hospital. Politics were tough in those days. –Curt

  3. And that’s why I don’t like zoom…… Not only can you get 86’d, you can do it to yourself. I was trying to talk to a group of friends on it the other day, and we couldn’t see one of us. We could hear her, but her screen image was grey. Then we heard someone say, “Stupid!” and suddenly we could. Apparently her sister had wandered by her computer and removed that little piece of paper she had over the screen camera to keep others from spying on her.

  4. Hahaha – dress code isn’t loosened during the pandemic even. I had a choir rehearsal online a few days ago. It was interesting!

  5. Ike reminds me of my father when he was tending bar. Tough place, but those are the best places to drink. I hope you can sneak Stan back in.

  6. That was fun. I like Ike.

    My hubby misses his morning coffee meets with the old boys – aka the “Round Table” or “Cobalt Shadow Council”. It’s a pity most of them are not online – broadband is not universal, especially here in Northern Ontario – I’d love to see him and his pals at a Zoom meet up.

    Then again, maybe not…?

    1. We went years without broadband until I noticed an antenna on a silo over a mile away across the Minnesota Mosquito Refuge. We now have a microwave antenna out by the pond that picks up the internet. It’s great.

  7. I like how you can see the end of the world from there. If you haven’t seen the Cornetto Trilogy, the last one is an epic pub crawl that ends at the titular “The World’s End”.

  8. We used to have a server at the best Italian sausage spot. His name was “Hammer.’ No one knew his real name but he liked Hammer so of course, we used it. I was in there with one of my East Coast friends and the friend asks for a menu. Hammer says, “Look around you. See the shit on the walls and floor. You think we even have the brains to make up a menu?” My friend didn’t finish his soup and asked for a doggie bag. Hammer walks over with a plain brown bag, dumps in the soup, and leaves the bag dripping on the table a floor. Hammer always liked East Coasters.

    1. Ladies are always welcome… with one caveat. You have to be tougher than Ike. Around here, that’s not a problem for most of our ladies.

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