I’d Do Anything for Love (but I won’t do that)

johnny-automatic-quiche-800pxWe all have household chores that we like to do.

We also have tasks that we get stuck with because we do them better than our spouses.

But then there are those things that we hate and are not good at – yet we do anyway.

Which is what defines love.

Real love has nothing to do with flowers.

Nor gifts.

Nor compliments, nor the kiss on the cheek. True love comes with a whole lot of muttering and the occasional snarl.

Like yesterday when my wife announced, “there is a dead frog in our driveway.”

“In other words,” I surmised, “you ran over a frog,”

“I did and it’s gross,” she said.

“And cleaning up a gross thing falls to me because I am a man?”

“No,” she said as sweetly as she could, “it falls to you because you love me.”

It is an argument I cannot win.

So much is like this. I haul out the trash. I clean the gutters. I scoop out the litter box. I dispose of dead mice.  All these things I do because they are gross and unpleasant – and therefore demonstrate true love.

But then there are the things which are not gross, but are equally unpleasant, that I get tasked with simply because she does not want to do them.

Like preparing meals.

Cooking is something that usually falls to women because society deemed that they are better at it than men. I don’t think this is true. Instead I feel that like so many things, people get better at what they do the most.

Except for me, I will always be a terrible cook.

My wife is much better at it than I – but she hates to cook, so she decided that I am better at it than she is – thus she has been trying to get me to cook for years.

When we were first married, she bought me a cookbook.

“Here,” she said opening the book to a delicious recipe for egg-spinach bake, “all you have to do is follow the instructions.”

This was early in our relationship before she discovered that it is utterly impossible for me to follow instructions. I am simply too creative.

Why must egg-bake contain eggs? I asked myself. There was the name of course – but why be bound by that?

So I substituted bacon.

And for spinach, since I hate the stuff, I opted for bell peppers – then feeling guilty about the eggs, I added them back in.

It was delicious – or so I thought. But that is when I discovered my new bride did not care for peppers.

PEPPERS ARE GROSS!!!she informed me.

So I reluctantly agreed – no more peppers.

The next day, she selected another egg-bake recipe.

Again I substituted bacon for eggs but given that she did not like peppers, I added hash-browns before again caving in and blending in the eggs.

This she did not like at all.

“Why can’t you follow the recipe?” she asked. “It’s so simple – just do what the instructions say.”

I shrugged.

“If you loved me, you would,” she said.

It is a statement that has reverberated over the years and to prove my love, I do many things. I mop up cat barf. I unplug toilets. I take on all of the nasty menial household tasks because of my affection for her.

In short, I will do anything for love – but I won’t cook quiche.

Author: Almost Iowa


29 thoughts on “I’d Do Anything for Love (but I won’t do that)”

  1. Got a good laugh at this post! I hate to cook, so the Mr. does it. I’m the set up & clean up crew. We share a lot of the household chores though. He’s the yard & jacuzzi guy. I’m the let’s clean this out & here’s your Goodwill bag to fill up! Works for us! 💛 Christine

  2. You are so right: love is demonstrated in what we do for each other, and it sounds to me as if you love your wife very, very much! Bringing a woman a dozen roses is easy. Cooking a quiche, disposing of dead mice and unclogging a toilet is not. My husband and I divvy up the chores according to who can’t stand to do what as well, which explains why invading mice and dead things are his territory, while removing vomit from anything is always mine. Ditto if an animal has an accident in the house. If I asked my husband to deal with it, all that would mean is I’d have to remove the accident and also the vomit that my husband added to it….

  3. So this is why my husband expunges the trapped dead mice from our basement. It has nothing to do with my carrying on about how much I hate mice…

    I also hate to cook, but do the bulk of it, except on weekends. Then the husband grills and makes Sunday brunch. He cooks without recipes and his food is always delicious. Even if it wasn’t, I would still praise him. Remember, I don’t like to cook.

  4. My husband used to cook. Then we had kids. Not sure what the connection is. Perhaps he was afraid he’d cook the kids. Meanwhile dead things are mostly my job, unless they move. Live things are his. Especially spiders, moths and flying beetles. But not kids. Kids were always my job; then they moved out.

  5. I think your quiches sound delicious but then I love green peppers, hashbrowns, and bacon with my eggs. Fortunately, my husband does, too.

    1. Since my wife is working and I am retired (the real reason I do most of the cooking), I make my own concoction for breakfast. It’s eggs with sausage, peppers and lots of hash-browns.

      1. My wife just said this morning, “If you loved me you would clean out the storeroom.” I had no reply. Maybe I’ll come up with Ten Things Not to Do While Cleaning Out the Storeroom.

  6. I take care of some of the icky stuff, but my wife is the queen of cat puke and dog accidents. I deal with them when they are close to me or she’s away, but she’s an “I got this” kind of girl when it comes to that kind of ick. She also cooks. She doesn’t follow recipes well, but she does usually improve upon them. Still, I can’t see how adding bacon or substituting bacon wouldn’t make anything better. I mean, it’s bacon. I grill, and I clean up dead things in the yard, and we each take turns with the dog’s business outside (although she insists that I’m better at it).

  7. We should swap them (in a good way I stress). You see, with me being u/s at practical things and my missus being brilliant at such things (plus removing cat shit from the lawn; retrieving and rehoming errant spiders etc.) I do the shopping and the cooking; she does everything else…as I write she is up a ladder clearing the gutters!

  8. my husband won’t cook quiche either…I don’t get it. it’s just eggs and cheese and probably bacon in a pie shell. sign me “totally flummoxed”

    1. Quiche is more than the sum of its ingredients. There is something about it that vibrates in the feminine soul but is discordant to the male. Not sure what it is but there are a lot of things like that. 🙂

      1. similar to what occurs when a female picks up a chainsaw I imagine…although I am very good with a chainsaw. I need another analogy. sigh

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