My (Evil) Coffee Maker

speciwoman-coffee-machine-800px“You did it again,” my wife said.

My denial was pure reflex.

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did so.”

“Did what?” I asked.

“You left the coffee maker on.”

Oh that.

“No I didn’t,” I told her.

“I don’t drink coffee,” she said, “so who did?”

“It wasn’t me,” I said, “it turned itself on.”

I wasn’t lying, our coffee maker does that.  I think it is possessed.

I know for a fact that I flipped the OFF switch after pouring my last cup of coffee. I distinctly remember watching the little green indicator light go dark.  Now it is back on.

I first noticed this phenomena when the coffee maker was new.  After pouring fresh water into the reservoir for the first time – it hissed at me. I thought nothing of it, figuring the ON switch was inadvertently flipped during shipping.

But it occurs too often for happenstance.

Then last evening something went bump in the night.

At first we blamed the cats.

The cats are supposed to stay off our kitchen counters – but they never do. As soon as we are out of sight, they jump up there and stroll about as if it were a promenade.

We know they do this because they knock things over.

Soon after midnight, a cat howled as the blender shattered on the kitchen tiles. It is when we went out to investigate that my wife accused me of leaving the coffee maker on and I denied it.

“You can’t deny that,” she said, pointing.

Across the kitchen, the coffee maker crackled and blue sparks danced out the back. The ON indicator glowed at us harshly.

“One of these days,” she said, “you’re going to burn the house down.”

“Honey…” I said.


“It’s not plugged in.”

%d bloggers like this: