Did She Just Call You Honey?

food-wafflesThe woman in the next booth hissed at her husband, “Did she just call you honey?”

“It’s the Waffle House,” he explained, “it’s what the waitresses do.”

“Why are we here?” she asked.

“You can’t visit the south and not eat at a Waffle House,” he said. “Try the pecan waffles, you will love them.”

“I don’t eat waffles,” she said.

That much was obvious. She was uncomfortably thin and dressed to show it. She wore a tight black skirt and black sweater and the blackness of her hair could only come from chemistry. Perhaps her thinness had something to do with her attitude, it put her nerves too close to the surface.

“Then order something else,” he said.

She flicked the menu card over. “There is NOTHING here I would eat.”

“Then just order eggs,” he said, “I know you eat eggs.”

“She didn’t call me ‘honey’,” she said.

The guy just stared at her. He knew what was coming.

“She is flirting with you, isn’t she?” she said, “and you are letting her do it.”

“It is all good fun,” he explained.

The waitress strolled by with a pot of coffee and topped off his mug. “Are we ready to order?” she asked.

“No!” the woman said.

The waitress moved on.

“Excuse me,” the woman called after her “I’d like another glass of water….. Please!!”

“Sure, be right with you, Sugar.”

“Did you hear that?” the woman said.

“What?”

“She called me sugar!”

“See!” the guy said, “they call everyone either honey or sugar.”

“No!” she said, “She called YOU honey and ME sugar.”

“What’s wrong that?”

“Sugar is what you call a child, not a grown woman. It’s a put down. She put me down.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because she is flirting with you.”

The guy groaned and put his face in his hands. “Sure,” he said through his palms, “she’s buttering me up because she knows I am the one who is going to pay the bill.”

“WHAT?” the woman said. “That is the most sexist thing I ever heard.”

“But it’s true.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Okay, you pay.”

“I can’t. I don’t have my purse.”

“You don’t think she noticed?”

“Okay, lend me a $20 and I will pay.”

“No way.”

“Why not?”

“Because you will stiff her.”

“She deserves to be stiffed.”

“Why? For flirting?”

“YES!!”

“She works for tips.”

“You mean she flirts for tips. You don’t find that sleazy?”

“Not as sleazy as stiffing a hard-working waitress.”

“She’s using sex for favors.”

“You mean like you do?”

“WHAT!!??”

“Like the way you always ‘forget’ your purse?”

With that, the woman rose in a huff and stomped out the door and within the beat of a heart, the waitress was beside the table, “More coffee, honey?”

“Sure darling, fill ‘er up,” he said.

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

51 thoughts on “Did She Just Call You Honey?”

  1. Terms of endearment are the southern way. Darlin’ and Sugar are just the way it is and I’ve grown to love it. Often older blacks, especially in the country, will call you “baby.” After a time you grow so used to these small affections that when you go up north, people seem cold and abrupt. It’s all what you’re used to, I guess. Another lovely thing is the way the true southerner will say “Ma’am?” instead of “huh?” when he hasn’t heard you. These little things soften the stresses of daily life.

    1. These little things soften the stresses of daily life.

      Frances Fukuyama has a term for this. He calls it social capital and it takes generations to build. The reason why I try to avoid using foul language in my humor is that it is too high of a price to pay for a laugh.

      1. I admire that viewpoint and commitment tremendously, Greg. No need to add to the coarsening of our society by foul language which is, in fact, completely unnecessary. The most scathing insults and observations can be achieved without cursing, i.e. Wodehouse, Churchill, Wilde, all masters of the English language. Foul language is the lazy way out, IMHO.

        I am fascinated by this concept of social capital and will be investigating a bit more. Thank you.

        1. I worked in law enforcement for three decades though never a cop. Police rosters are divided into two groups: sworn and sworn at. 🙂

          Interestingly, the most effective cops I know, are ones who never swear and are scrupulously polite to everyone they meet – even people who are by every definition of the word – evil.

            1. Thank you, Barbara. I realize that, by supporting that ugliness of foul language, I do not choose one of the sturdiest soapboxes of the many in that teetering tower I rockily ascend at the imagined drop of a ding-danged pin.

              1. Mmmmmwah! Another reason I adore you so – nothing on this earth more boring than a flat liner-possessed of no opinions or points of view. Ascend away, it makes for an infinitely more interesting blogosphere.

                    1. Oh, dear: Am I going to have to get on your case, too, as well as Almost’s, for false modesty? Or can you truly think there is ANYthing dull about your writing or posts?! (Permanent browlift accomplished thx to major eyeroll–Thanks for that, Barbara!)

                    2. I was so crippled by self-doubt on one post I didn’t post it, though already finished, for two weeks. I get it. We am dumb. But you, being more consistent and skilled, am dumber–Nyeah, nyeah! 😛

                    3. I wasn’t clear–this was a past post: One of the Luck Magnet ones, I think. I finally ran it by Joey, A. (no, not that A.–the other one), and my sister. And it WASN’T ready!! To have my self-doubts confirmed! I was pretty shaken. But I learned to plow ahead, and to read longer posts aloud to an imaginary critic, to see how dull they seem. I should record them, huh?

  2. Very good. I enjoyed it, I visualized every moment, to the point of almost assigning tonal quality to the voices, and was never pulled away by any out-of-place word of dialect or background detail.

      1. Just awakened here (no farmer’s hours–almost 7:00am). On my back in bed reading your response. Came THAT close to dying from a Near Aspiration Event.

        You, sir, are a truly gifted–nay, a great–writer.

        The acting? Could use a little work. But I like that you’re trying keep your smart, talented head a regular hat size 🙂 .

          1. Nice try, bub. Your posts make me laugh (where intended, yet!). Your *modesty* causes an eruption of another sort. Practice, man. Hone your aw-shucks ducks, and save this poor woman’s esophagus from further upslaughts. 😉

    1. When we were both working, we had individual and joint accounts. Now that I am retired and my wife is out-of-work, we only use the joint account – but we get a kick out of arguing who will pay for things.

  3. Great job and very well written.

    “Perhaps her thinness had something to do with her attitude, it put her nerves too close to the surface.”

    Terrific descriptive narration of a personality.

  4. Love this: “her thinness had something to do with her attitude, it put her nerves too close to the surface.” This piece is good. Very good. Great capture of a true story, or at least a true story theme. Leaves me laughing and squirming at the same time. Well done.

    1. I don’t know if you have traveled to the states, Mike, but the moment you cross south over the Mason-Dixon Line, the first thing you will see is a Waffle House. It’s pure southern blue-collar culture at it’s best. Their pecan-waffles are to die for.

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