Snow Emergency Procedures

SnowplowFrom high on our frosty perch in the Upper Midwest, the residents of Minnesota watch with mild horror and even less sympathy as the rest of the country gets pummeled by extreme weather.

For us, it’s no big deal.

Mother Nature painted a bulls-eye on our region long ago and it’s nice to see her fury aimed elsewhere.  But all that aside, we Minnesotans would be delighted to share our dysfunctional winter coping methods with the rest of you. Sooo…

At the first sign of substantial snow, implement following emergency protocols:

  • School and business closings:
    • Close all schools to allow children who would normally be kept inside to be chased outside.
    • Close public institutions and major corporations then add staff and extend hours of coffee shops, restaurants and taverns so people have somewhere to go where there is not a lot of screaming children.
  • Institute the following parking bans:
    • Ban parking on snow emergency routes (where almost all restaurants, coffee shops and taverns are located).
    • In Saint Paul:
      • First Day: ban parking on the east side of east-west streets.
      • Second Day: ban parking on the even side of streets whose name ends in a vowel.
    • In Minneapolis:
      • First Day: ban parking on the even side of the street unless the street is located in Southeast Minneapolis which is neither south nor east of anything else.
      • Second Day: suspend plowing for budgetary purposes.
  • Implement the following snow removal plan.
    • Clear parking spaces at swimming beaches.
    • Plow the parking lots at the Mall of America so everyone with the day off can shop.
    • Clear the center of residential streets using the snow to pin parked cars against the curb.
    • Plow snow onto shoveled sidewalks.
  • Implement following ordinance enforcement plan:
    • Ticket anyone who cannot follow simple parking instruction.
    • Follow the snowplows and ticket any property owners with an unshoveled sidewalk.
  • Implement the following towing plan:
    • Since the public employees who run the impound lot have the day off, tow cars impounded in Saint Paul to Minneapolis and cars impounded in Minneapolis to Sleepy Eye, MN. [It’s a long way away but it has such a cool name and the impound lot there sure could use the business.]

I hope this helps. If it does not help or merely compounds the misery of extreme winter weather, look on the bright side, now you can gripe about what we gripe about.

Author: Almost Iowa

27 thoughts on “Snow Emergency Procedures”

  1. Thanks for the giggles. Ah, fond memories of Wisconsin. We’re getting the same down here in the “south.” I think the south has migrated north. Brrr! Unplowed snow is turning to ice slicks, humps and bumps. Kids are out of school all week and I’m waiting for the gas company to come give me some heat. sd

  2. My son is attending college in Boston, which has had seven feet of snow since January 23, so says the radio guy this morning. The son probably wishes he was in Fargo (where he attended NDSU for one year) or even Minnesota as he has had to shovel snow at his apartment. I called him the other day and he was shoveling. He said he’d call back when he was done. I have yet to hear from him.

    Bostonians are now jumping out of second story windows into the snow, a stunt the mayor is strongly discouraging:

    Just thought I’d throw this into the “dealing with snow” mix this AM.

  3. As a former Michigander, I can relate. I also knew they were watching me from the satellites…no sooner would I get my driveway shoveled than the snowplow guy would come down the street and hurl that immovable pile of slush and snow right back again. Sadist!

  4. I agree with Sammy D. – Let it melt naturally, that’s what sun is for.

    Growing up in Colorado, I don’t remember plowing snow or salting the streets – maybe a bit of grit and some snow tires. I learned to drive on packed snow – I think it packed down nicely sometime in November and melted sometime in March.

    1. My scariest drive was from Durango to Denver on icy roads. It took all my Minnesota skills just to stay on the road. I remember looking down into a valley and seeing a tractor trailer laying on its side with its headlights on.

  5. At least you have plows wreaking havoc. In Virginia the standard procedure is to plow the main roads and wait for the rest to melt. We’ve just had our first major storm of the winter. Eight plus inches. Schools are closed for the rest of the week and with below-freezing temps, I don’t think anything is going to melt soon. Yikes.

  6. Clearing the residential streets and pinning the cars to the side – especially when timed to iccur RIGHT AFTER we shoveled to get the car out – That’s the one that makes me so grateful for Government In Action😆

    Denver mostly has a “leave it till the sunshine melts it” policy on side streets and that works pretty well. We’re so lucky we do have sun at least every two days! Hub played golf twice last week.

      1. Not when the east wind blows in from Mother Russia! Hellfire Corner (so christened by Churchill) is the place over which The Battle of Britain was fought and won in WW2 by the way

  7. A big laugh from Southern California! I’m originally from the east coast many years ago…can remember snow, that’s the white stuff that people pray for around Christmas time, right? Loved your funny post! Christine

    1. No need for lessons, our snow plows are equipped with a sophisticated seek and destroy feature that hones in on mailboxes, side-view mirrors and trash-cans.

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