I hate it when my phone rings in the middle of the night. If it is not bad news, it is the wrong number. Either way, I hate those calls.
Oh yeah, there is another kind. The really weird ones from people whose lives are spinning further out of control than usual.
My cell phone was still on the nightstand when I heard a voice wailing in the dark. “I married the wrong girl.”
It was my old buddy Stan and he sounded pretty broken up.. The thing is, I didn’t know he was married and I told him that.
“Yeah, last weekend in Vegas,” he said.
I sat up.
So Stan finally tied the knot. It must have taken a lot of courage because if you knew his girlfriend, Darcy, you would understand why courage was required. The girl is a piece of work – but then again, so is Stan.
Still, it was best to play nice.
“Marriage is a big change,” I told him, “it’s perfectly natural to feel nervous.”
“You don’t understand,” he said, “I really did marry the wrong girl.”
I tried to calm him down. “I know Darcy can be a handful.”
“But that’s just it, I didn’t marry Darcy.”
“Then who did you marry?”
“Her sister, Daphne.”
I was speechless.
“Would you talk to Darcy?” he asked, then he almost whispered into the phone, “I think she wants to murder me.”
Knowing Darcy, that was a safe bet.
I’d told him I would rather pet a rattle-snake than talk to Darcy because she was the only person in the world crazier than him.
He ignored me.
“She won’t take my calls but she will take yours. She is waiting for you to call her,” he said.
I didn’t ask how he knew that. After we hung up, I dialed her number. I had no hope of straightening things out but I maybe I could prevent a murder.
“Hello Darcy?”
“What do you want?”
“I heard you had a little mix up in Vegas.”
“No, everything is fine.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“How so?”
“I didn’t marry him, did I?”
“Walk me through what happened.”
“You know how Stan gets?”
I said I did.
“Well, we went out there to get married but got into a fight instead. He was ranting and said he would marry anyone in the world but me, so I dared him to marry my sister and he did.”
“Oh, that explains a lot. How is Daphne doing with it?”
“She’s thrilled.”
“How are you doing with it?”
“I’m thrilled too.”
“So you’re not going to kill Stan?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Are you?”
“And make my sister a widow, are you kidding?.” she said.
“I don’t get it,” I told her, “Daphne is such a sweet kid. How could you stick her with someone as unpredictable, unreliable, unfaithful and border-line psychotic as Stan?”
“Insurance.”
“What?”
“On the way to Vegas, Daphne said she was sick of waiting around for Mr. Right. I asked what it would take for her to settle down with a man and she said insurance.”
“Insurance?”
“Yeah, Stan has full-medical…. Have you any idea how much that costs?”
Almost Iowa 
Oh, the old insurance scam. Let’s hope Stan doesn’t have a really great LIFE insurance policy. If he does, and the sisters say “let’s take a trip to Grand Canyon” – don’t do it. I read a story of a guy marrying a girl, and his mom and he took out a life insurance policy on her. Then they went on “vacation” and when taking a picture of themselves – the mom kept telling them to move back, move back a little more… a little more…and the poor gal ending up falling off the ledge. Later they found out the guy gave her a little shove.
I wouldn’t worry about Daphne in that regard. She is about as sweet and straight-forward of a person you would ever meet, which is confounding to people who know Stan.
As for insurance, you can take a policy out on anyone and name yourself beneficiary then bump them off. When I worked for the Minneapolis Police, we had a case like that, one that was right out of John Grisham’s The Firm.
An accountant discovered the firm was hired to work for was run by the mob and quit. He then discovered that they had a “key-man” insurance policy on him. He contacted the insurance company and told them he was no longer employed and their attitude was, “as long as the premiums are paid the policy would stay in effect”. A short time later, he was murdered and his widow sued the insurance company… she lost her lawsuit.
It has been 40 years, so my recollection of the facts in the case were a little off but here it is Wartnick v. Moss & Barnett
WHAT? I don’t think “just anyone” should be allowed to take a policy on anyone and name themselves (or someone they know) as beneficiary. I think only the person should be allowed to provide for their family should something happen while traveling, etc. The wife and kiddos can have some money to survive.
Like they say, you get justice in the next world, here you get the law.
Ohh, man. Yup. As a police man.. devoting to serving and protecting… that had to be a knife in the heart when you saw these things happening. I know it would kill me.
Actually, I am not a cop. The staff at the MPD is divided into two groups: sworn and sworn at. I was in the later.
Still, I saw and heard plenty.
We are small-business owners and the financial strain of carrying health insurance for our employees is enormous. It’s rapidly becoming our single biggest expense outside of actual wages. I am so sorry to hear your wife has been laid-off. We have not had to resort to that yet; it’s tough enough to get rid of a non-performing employee, but to lay off somebody who’s done well would be a nightmare. Has Stan been around before? He seems familiar.
Yeah, the lay-off was tough all the way around. Her boss was a friend of the family but it had to be done and there are no hard feelings. The timing was bad though.
I wish more people understood how difficult it is to run a small business.
I’ve written a couple of stories about Stan because he is such an outrageous character. The last story was about our couch and the one before that was about his dog, Chester
Yes, the couch!! I thought so. The dreaded, smelly couch. I don’t remember Chester. I have to go look.
When you read about Stan, keep in mind that he is not one of the four horsemen of the apocalypses, athough he did apply for the job.
You are a funny, funny man. Let’s not think about who actually got the job. We’ve probably interviewed them.
And it is very hard to run a small business. There have been many sleepless nights here worrying over….well, everything. But mostly the people who depend on us.
I thought maybe it was “life” insurance she wanted Stan to have. Then it would be okay if Darcy killed him.
That might work to. I wouldn’t put it past Darcy.
I have a feeling. No matter what happens Darcy will come out on top.
She usually does – but in such odd ways.
Another good one : )
And I, too, am sorry about your wife.
Perhaps she can become your agent.
She already thinks she is my agent but her idea of what I should be doing and my idea, differ radically. I think writing, she thinks honey-do.
She is right.
Wow, Greg! What a scenario! He said, she said, wed — and read.
It is all about the deductibles. 🙂
Brilliant ending. Never expected that. You should send this story to a few health insurance executives, legislators and FILL IN THE BLANK.
Last year my family spent just over $11,000 on health insurance premiums for two fifty-somethings and a 20-something. Add on the $4,000-plus that came out of our pockets for medical expenses and…
Darcy and Stan aren’t the only crazy ones. And I’m not talking about me and my husband either.
At this house, the choir sings the same song. My wife was recently laid-off. It is one thing to lose income, it is another to lose income AND get socked with outrageously expensive insurance costs.
Before I retired, my coworkers and I were having a lunch-room conversation about the high costs of medical care. Someone brought up the insane profits of the insurance, drug and medical device industries and said they couldn’t understand why that was.
An old street-wise cop who had joined us, cracked a grin and said, “Take a sharp look at where the Minnesota State Investment Board puts its money. The next time you open your retirement or deferred comp statement, think again about who is demanding high rates of return from the medical industry.”
I’m sorry to hear your wife has been laid off.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore about the high cost of insurance. I went with a really high deductible this year to keep my premium down. Problem is the premiums are only slightly lower than last year when the deductible was considerably lower. This craziness must stop.
Hey thanks. The worst part about it was being laid-off in winter. There ought to be something like the Cold Weather Shutoff Rule for lay-offs. Maybe even a No Layoff When Cooped Up In The House With Your Husband Rule. 🙂
She quilts and I hide in the basement.
At the Large Impressive Private University in Los Angeles where I once worked–which I shall leave anonymous–one year the last workday before Christmas, they greeted over a dozen of their Physical Plant workers (in pre-P.C. days known as “Maintenance guys”) with an announcement:
“Don’t bother showing up again after Christmas.”
And people say it doesn’t get cold here.
The irony of it was, we had planned a vacation after Christmas and her employer, trying to be a nice guy, delayed telling us until we got back. We cut our vacation short to get back in time…
Sh#t. That WAS nice of him.
OTH, I’ve been the boss having to decide when to break that news, and it is really tough.
Daphne sounds a rather bright gal!
On matters of insurance, she certainly is, but then there is Stan.
Not wishing to sound negative but from your description of Stan I would hasten to guess that so long as he’s getting his leg across he likely won’t care either way!
That is a fair assessment – but you know the type, the man doesn’t know what he is going to do next. It makes it difficult to plan meals. 🙂
Plainly he needs a maid – as in the old Neil Young song!
A maid would only confuse Stan. When he started losing weight, a couple of his friends set up an account at a local bar to provide his meals. He stopped going there. When questioned about it, he said, “I knew there was something I was supposed to know about the place but I forgot what it was, so I avoided it.” In other words, he lost track of which bars provided his food and which bars had 86’d him.
And this is a guy who has full medical. Thank god for civil service. 🙂
Sounds to me that good old Stan is worthy of a few more skits! He surely is on the cusp of ‘living legend’. Lord knows what he’d do if he ever met a gin soaked barroom Queen in Memphis!