I hate it when my phone rings in the middle of the night. If it is not bad news, it is the wrong number. Either way, I hate those calls.
Oh yeah, there is another kind. The really weird ones from people whose lives are spinning further out of control than usual.
My cell phone was still on the nightstand when I heard a voice wailing in the dark. “I married the wrong girl.”
It was my old buddy Stan and he sounded pretty broken up.. The thing is, I didn’t know he was married and I told him that.
“Yeah, last weekend in Vegas,” he said.
I sat up.
So Stan finally tied the knot. It must have taken a lot of courage because if you knew his girlfriend, Darcy, you would understand why courage was required. The girl is a piece of work – but then again, so is Stan.
Still, it was best to play nice.
“Marriage is a big change,” I told him, “it’s perfectly natural to feel nervous.”
“You don’t understand,” he said, “I really did marry the wrong girl.”
I tried to calm him down. “I know Darcy can be a handful.”
“But that’s just it, I didn’t marry Darcy.”
“Then who did you marry?”
“Her sister, Daphne.”
I was speechless.
“Would you talk to Darcy?” he asked, then he almost whispered into the phone, “I think she wants to murder me.”
Knowing Darcy, that was a safe bet.
I’d told him I would rather pet a rattle-snake than talk to Darcy because she was the only person in the world crazier than him.
He ignored me.
“She won’t take my calls but she will take yours. She is waiting for you to call her,” he said.
I didn’t ask how he knew that. After we hung up, I dialed her number. I had no hope of straightening things out but I maybe I could prevent a murder.
“What do you want?”
“I heard you had a little mix up in Vegas.”
“No, everything is fine.”
“I didn’t marry him, did I?”
“Walk me through what happened.”
“You know how Stan gets?”
I said I did.
“Well, we went out there to get married but got into a fight instead. He was ranting and said he would marry anyone in the world but me, so I dared him to marry my sister and he did.”
“Oh, that explains a lot. How is Daphne doing with it?”
“How are you doing with it?”
“I’m thrilled too.”
“So you’re not going to kill Stan?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“And make my sister a widow, are you kidding?.” she said.
“I don’t get it,” I told her, “Daphne is such a sweet kid. How could you stick her with someone as unpredictable, unreliable, unfaithful and border-line psychotic as Stan?”
“On the way to Vegas, Daphne said she was sick of waiting around for Mr. Right. I asked what it would take for her to settle down with a man and she said insurance.”
“Yeah, Stan has full-medical…. Have you any idea how much that costs?”