Snow Emergency Procedures

SnowplowFrom high on our frosty perch in the Upper Midwest, the residents of Minnesota watch with mild horror and even less sympathy as the rest of the country gets pummeled by extreme weather.

For us, it’s no big deal.

Mother Nature painted a bulls-eye on our region long ago and it’s nice to see her fury aimed elsewhere.  But all that aside, we Minnesotans would be delighted to share our dysfunctional winter coping methods with the rest of you. Sooo…

At the first sign of substantial snow, implement following emergency protocols:

  • School and business closings:
    • Close all schools to allow children who would normally be kept inside to be chased outside.
    • Close public institutions and major corporations then add staff and extend hours of coffee shops, restaurants and taverns so people have somewhere to go where there is not a lot of screaming children.
  • Institute the following parking bans:
    • Ban parking on snow emergency routes (where almost all restaurants, coffee shops and taverns are located).
    • In Saint Paul:
      • First Day: ban parking on the east side of east-west streets.
      • Second Day: ban parking on the even side of streets whose name ends in a vowel.
    • In Minneapolis:
      • First Day: ban parking on the even side of the street unless the street is located in Southeast Minneapolis which is neither south nor east of anything else.
      • Second Day: suspend plowing for budgetary purposes.
  • Implement the following snow removal plan.
    • Clear parking spaces at swimming beaches.
    • Plow the parking lots at the Mall of America so everyone with the day off can shop.
    • Clear the center of residential streets using the snow to pin parked cars against the curb.
    • Plow snow onto shoveled sidewalks.
  • Implement following ordinance enforcement plan:
    • Ticket anyone who cannot follow simple parking instruction.
    • Follow the snowplows and ticket any property owners with an unshoveled sidewalk.
  • Implement the following towing plan:
    • Since the public employees who run the impound lot have the day off, tow cars impounded in Saint Paul to Minneapolis and cars impounded in Minneapolis to Sleepy Eye, MN. [It’s a long way away but it has such a cool name and the impound lot there sure could use the business.]

I hope this helps. If it does not help or merely compounds the misery of extreme winter weather, look on the bright side, now you can gripe about what we gripe about.