I arrived home to a pitiful scene. A panic stricken Scooter had taken refuge on the roof of his doghouse.
Below him, a furry tempest raged.
It attacked his dog dish, shredding it into twisted metal shavings. It peeled chunks of plywood off his house and reduced them to sawdust. Finally, as I watched in amazement, it tore the shingles from under Scooter’s paws as he danced madly about in despair.
I called my buddy Stan.
“What did you toss into Scooter’s kennel?” I shouted into the phone.
“Are we talking about Chester?” (Chester is Stan’t psychotic dog).
“Yes… why is he here?”
“Daphne and I are on vacation and you have DirectTV.”
It made perfect Stan-sense.
Chester is profoundly disturbed but there is one thing that keeps him emotionally stable – subscription television. Specifically, the dog loves the Home Shopping Network (HSN).
So to rescue Scooter, I rushed into the house and cranked up the volume on the Home Shopping Network.
It was all it took. Chester ripped a hole in the kennel fence and scurried into the house, his little paws ticking across the living room floor until he reached the rug in front of the television, where he curled up to watch HSN.
The peace did not last long. It was the evening of the Republican Presidential Debate and I wanted to watch it. Chester had other things in mind.
At the first sight of Jeb Bush, he shredded my rug.
A single camera shot of Carly Fiorina cost my coffee table its legs
The price of Ben Carson was three throw pillows and Ted Cruz set me back the patio door curtain.
I was beginning to think that Chester did not like Republicans – until Donald Trump appeared. The little guy almost swooned. He snuggled into what remained of the rug and vigorously wagged his tail – just like he does when the nice jewelry lady comes on HSN.
As the camera panned off The Donald, Chester freaked out again. He spun in circles, foaming at the mouth and tearing wads of hair off his tail until The Donald came back on – then he sighed a deep sigh, rolled over on his belly and cocked his little paws in delight.
This happened repeatedly.
He threw a fit during the Democratic debate too. Every time Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders appeared on the screen, he flung himself against the glass in a psychotic rage. But just when Chester had me convinced he was a Trump Republican, the little guy proved me wrong. Suddenly he became very quiet.
It was during a break and I had gone into the kitchen. The pause in his rage startled me, so I peeked around the corner to find Chester sighing deeply with his muzzle resting gently on his paws as the face of Hillary’s husband filled the screen.
Chester LOVED Bill Clinton.
So if Chester hated all Republicans but Donald Trump and loathed all Democrats but Bill Clinton – clearly he was not driven by the issues. I had to get to the bottom of it or risk losing my house, so I called Stan.
“You dog is driving me nuts,” I told him.
“I could expect no less,” Stan replied.
“I can’t figure out his political position and it is getting unsafe to watch election coverage without knowing what is going on. Is he a Republican or a Democrat?”
Stan thought about it for a minute then asked, “Other than politicians, who does Chester love the most?”
“He hates me with a passion,” Stan said.
“Who in the blazes is Vince Offer?” I asked.
“He’s the ShamWow Guy, his infomercials are legendary.”
Oddly, that made sense.
Stan went on to explain. “All Chester loves is a good sales pitch. It makes him feel secure. It is why he is addicted to the Home Shopping Network. He loves Bill and The Donald because they can sell sand to the Saudis — but could you imagine Jeb or Hillary trying to sell jewelry on the Home Shopping Network?”
“No way…” I said.
“That’s why he hates them,” Stan said, “Chester is a political and marketing savant. He understands that with politics and cheap merchandise – outcomes do not matter; it is all about the pitch.”
“That explains so much…” I said.
“Everyone loves a pitch.” Stan said, “and they hate it when politicians argue and explain: all they want is to be sold on something that makes them feel secure.”
“Gosh Stan, Chester is a genius… You need to take him down to Iowa for the caucuses, you could make a fortune…”
“You’re trying to sell me on taking him back aren’t you?”
“You’re pitch isn’t working.”