My Pantry

Supermarket-Goods-Shelf-1-800pxI figured a bowl of soup and a grill cheese sandwich would do quite nicely for lunch.

So I strolled into the pantry…

We had oodles of soup – but nothing I would recognize as such.

Can Asparagus Cheesy Potato or Fat Free Creamy Chicken Chili actually qualify as soup?

So I settled for a grilled cheese sandwich.

We had bread but again nothing recognizable as such.  It appears that after separating the wheat from the chaff, they baked the chaff.

So how did we come to have a full pantry yet nothing to eat?  My I offer the following reasons as an explanation?

It is good for us

Most of what is good for us, rarely is – because we rarely eat it.  When our mothers served things that were good for us, it only made the dog sick because we tossed them under the table.

We have to try this

Other than novelty, how else can one explain asparagus cheesy potato soup?  Once we buy something like this we become trapped between the shame of throwing it away and the humiliation of tossing it into the food drive box.

I’ve been looking for this forever, let’s stock up

We have nine gallons of Green Tea With Orange Ginseng Root lining the floor of our pantry and several cases of Grapefruit Lemonade Juice in the garage. These things will never be consumed because as was explained to me, “why then we would be out of them – and we can’t have that”.

I know you don’t like it but I do.

My wife knows I loathe peanut butter, she then makes sure there is plenty on hand so she can add it to whatever she does not want to share.

Corn meal (a metaphor)

Corn meal is an excellent nontoxic method of controlling ants.

We sprinkle it along the baseboards and under the sink: where the little creatures roam.  The ants love us for it and they merrily filling their little gullets until they starve to death because they cannot digest it.

Corn meal perfectly describes all the food in our pantry for its abundance and lack of sustenance.  It also describes all the things that fill our lives but lack substance.

Corn meal is the perfect metaphor for the 300 channels on our cable television.

But then I ask myself, what if it is not a metaphor? What if my wife is slowly starving me to death by filling the pantry with things I will not eat?

Have I become an ant she is trying to get rid of?

So I grab my keys off the counter and announce, “I’m going out for a beer and a burger.”

She stops me with a look of concern.

“You need to eat better,” she says, “we have a pantry full of good food.”

“Like what?” I ask.

“Well,” she says, “why don’t you cook up some delicious corn bread?”

A burger and a beer never tasted better.

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