“STAN!”
Beep! Screech!
“What?”
“You just blew through a red light.”
“Nah, it was yellow for a split second.”
Hoooooonk!
“You just cut that guy off.”
“He had plenty of room.”
“His middle finger said he didn’t.”
Thuwomp!
“I suppose you didn’t notice the curb?”
Stan turned back to look and for way too long there were no eyes on the road. “Traffic circles,” he said, “are stupid.” The man is utterly contemptuous of all things roundabout.
“Knock it off,” I told him, “you are driving worse than usual.”
“Actually, I am not,” he said, “In fact, I am a model driver.”
“Huh?”
He patted a little black box under the console. One that sported a sticker with bold letters printed in primary colors.
It read GOOGLE.
“It records my every move,” he explained. “I am training their AI system how to drive.”
I had no words – but quickly found them.
“You mean, how not to drive.”
“No, how to drive like a real person.”
He went on to explain.
After Google taught their self-driving cars to avoid running over children and puppies, they input all the rules of the road. Thereafter their cars drove the posted limit, slowed down for school zones and fastidiously complied with every regulation.
It was a disaster.
No one liked it.
So they called Stan.
My buddy is a genius, a machine whisperer of sorts and if anyone could fix anything, it would be Stan.
“At least you could teach it to drive courteously,” I said.
“They tried that. People liked it even less. So I offered to give their customers some options.”
“You mean like being a jerk?”
“Exactly.”
“Aren’t there enough of those in the world. Why add more?”
Stan pondered the question. “Think of it as diversity. It’s what makes life lively.”
Perhaps he was onto something.
Diversity is both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time. Kind of like heaven and hell, which I firmly believe to be the exact same place.
For instance, Stan loves classic rock. For him, it is the very soundtrack of heaven where he hopes to spend his afterlife listening to Steppenwolf. For me, that is the very definition of hell.
It is why I worry about spending eternity anywhere. I can no longer stand so much of what I once loved. What if that applies to heaven?
It is why I am deeply suspicious of anyone who wants to make heaven on earth. On the surface it is a laudable goal, but one does not have to dig too deep to realize that one definition of heaven might conflict with others – and there are way too many people who are willing to haul out the guillotine to impose their vision on you.
Which is why if heaven exists anywhere, be it in this world or the next, it will not be a place of harmony – rather it will be an utter mess, a Babel of languages and a jumble of lifestyles with one and only one overriding rule.
Tolerance.
Heaven is not a place where we are all happy together, it is just a place where we all tolerate each other and try to smooth over the rough edges of our obnoxious behavior.
While I was mulling this over, Stan was droning on and on about something…
“You see,” he said, patting the GOOGLE box. “With this it doesn’t matter how anyone drives because AI will keep us all from bumping into each other.”
It kinda sounded like heaven.
Almost Iowa 
I have to say, I not only love your theology, but I agree with it. As for AI driven cars, learning from Stan might make the whole situation tolerable!
If the whole world could learn to tolerate Stan, we would be so much better off. Let’s just say, he is high bar we all need to shoot for. 🙂
Now that made me laugh out loud! My new goal is to be like Stan….
“Kind of like heaven and hell, which I firmly believe to be the exact same place.”
That is the key to this entire delightful piece! Rules are great, breaking rules makes life bearable. But do it too much…consequences can be dire, unfortunately.
The quickest way to bring down civilization is to enforce all law in all circumstances.
I’m English. I like roundabouts. But don’t get me started on double, triple, linked, mini, maxi, or other dire, evil variations thereof.
The first roundabout I saw was in Canterbury, England. It was one of those two lane deals and I marveled how the car in the inner lane seemed to be stuck there for eternity.,
Ah, Stan is back and driving in roundabouts. 🙂 We have a lot of them, and I mean a lot. They refer to them as roundabouts, rotaries, and circles. See, we have so many we need more names. 🙂 As for that nine letter word, tolerance, it could be the key to heaven.
This is corn and beans country, which have to be transported to market in 18 wheel grain trucks. Do you think MNDOT would build roundabouts with circles wide enough to accommodate them?
Oddly not.
This was fun. I have often thought that a self-driving car, obeying the speed limit here in New England would be run into a Rest Area and chained to a lamppost.
My wife just bought a Ford Escape with a kinds of digital bells and whistles. One of the options allows you to set the cruise control to the speed limit. That setting got changed really quick.
😂
A fun romp!
Thank you, sir. 🙂
Google can do THAT?! Does this mean I have to tolerate Stan’s driving the roundabouts? (Note to self: Continue to avoid those dam’ things)
😉😄
Rumor has it that David Byrne is writing a sequel to “And She Was” about roundabouts.
Can’t wait!
I’m with Stan when it comes to roundabouts. I always feel like I’m on the giving or receiving end of a crash when I come upon one unexpectedly.
Speaking of crashes, there’s a delightful video online of a Waymo taxi smacking into a Serve food delivery bot at a Los Angeles intersection. According to reports, both ‘vehicles’ were “fully and properly functioning.” What’s not to like?
They say (‘they’ being some article I read but can’t remember where or when) that the rationale for roundabouts is there are more accidents but fewer injuries when drivers whirl about intersections.
Rumor has it that roundabouts were invented by the devil and many consider them his best work.
Stan and Steppenwolf–both Born to be Wild. Heaven help us all.
I also played that song in my head when I puttered about on my moped. 🙂
Does Stan know this?! 😂