“You did it again,” my wife said.
My denial was pure reflex.
“No, I didn’t.”
“You did so.”
“Did what?” I asked.
“You left the coffee maker on.”
Oh that.
“No I didn’t,” I told her.
“I don’t drink coffee,” she said, “so who did?”
“It wasn’t me,” I said, “it turned itself on.”
I wasn’t lying, our coffee maker does that. I think it is possessed.
I know for a fact that I flipped the OFF switch after pouring my last cup of coffee. I distinctly remember watching the little green indicator light go dark. Now it is back on.
I first noticed this phenomena when the coffee maker was new. After pouring fresh water into the reservoir for the first time – it hissed at me. I thought nothing of it, figuring the ON switch was inadvertently flipped during shipping.
But it occurs too often for happenstance.
Then last evening something went bump in the night.
At first we blamed the cats.
The cats are supposed to stay off our kitchen counters – but they never do. As soon as we are out of sight, they jump up there and stroll about as if it were a promenade.
We know they do this because they knock things over.
Soon after midnight, a cat howled as the blender shattered on the kitchen tiles. It is when we went out to investigate that my wife accused me of leaving the coffee maker on and I denied it.
“You can’t deny that,” she said, pointing.
Across the kitchen, the coffee maker crackled and blue sparks danced out the back. The ON indicator glowed at us harshly.
“One of these days,” she said, “you’re going to burn the house down.”
“Honey…” I said.
“What?”
“It’s not plugged in.”
Almost Iowa 
Cover all your doorknobs with aluminum foil , first. Then put the coffee-maker under a pyramid of some sort . Unplug everything and boil water for coffee on the stove for several weeks . Then , check back for further instructions . Hanging garlic around the house also help in some cases .
I found a better solution, I gave the coffee maker to an old battle-ax in town. She scares the devil out of everybody and everything.
Better yet !
I don’t drink coffee, but my husband requires it to survive! His coffee maker is possessed like yours! Must be the manufacturer’s desire to steal both electricity and sleep from the owners of the house. Having excellent hearing, I hear the moment it turns itself on no matter what time it is! Drives me nuts!
It’s probably a “smart” coffee maker. We had one of those. The stupidest thing I ever came across.
Artificial intelligence. Wireless charging. The cords are only there to lull the humans into a false sense of security, letting them think they are in control. While we watch……..and wait…….
Yup, our evil overlords lurk in minor appliances.
Clearly, it’s the cats. You think they’re having a promenade, but they’re actually having a midnight cuppa. Check them for coffe breath and you’ll see that I’m right.
There is something in me that keeps looking for reasons deeper and darker than cats.
There is nothing deeper and darker than cats, my friend. But while you’re sorting that out, I could send over a friend to make coffee for you.
Wonderful, I can always use another drinking buddy. 🙂
I love your surprise endings.
They surprise me too. I am not sure where they come from.
I am with you on this one. If all else fails, blame Canada
Sounds like a Stephen King short story in the making. Our coffee maker has a built-in turn off system, so it goes off after about 2 hours even if you forget to shut it off!
I like the Stephen King reference but “Mr Coffee” doesn’t quite strike the same chord as “Christine” or “Cujo”
Love the beautiful descriptive lines in here … prairie winds, neglected farm sites. And then there’s the majesty of the cats promenade. Great post!
Humor essays are fun to write because you get to fool around with absurdity – but it is also an occasion to play with the language.
Your’ve outdone yourself on this one! Great build up to the “twist” at the end! The power of power! Chryssa
In Almost Iowa, a story like this is more journalism than fiction.
Nice twist at the end.
You can always go the French press route like The Boffin does.
I tried that for a while – but at 5:00 am, I cannot be trusted with hot water.
British people are trained to handle hot water under most adverse circumstances. I completely understand where you are coming from.
I know what you mean, I have always marveled at their ability to deftly put on a pot while semi-comatose.
Repetition makes it second nature. I’ve become a deft hand myself, especially when you keep the canisters, pot, and kettle in the same location.
Yeeekkkk I would be outta there.
A simple demon possession is not that big a deal, especially with minor appliances. It is when the earth moving equipment acts up that is cause for concern.
Brrrrr
LOL!
🙂
Not plugged in you say! Albeit lowering the bar a tad is there a nearby brothel with electrical devices on hand? Ask there…see if such devices are activated whilst unplugged…the tale could go viral, you’d sell the film franchise rights I reckon!
Sir, we DO NOT have brothels in Almost Iowa. How could you even think that? I am shocked. Shocked, I say. (we do have some rather interesting trailer parks though)
When my youngest was taking driving lessons his instructor regularly got him to practice his parking skills in the car park of a place called Pussycats but 10 miles from here…I shall say no more!
I love your surprise endings, Almost Iowa. Almost O. Henry-like!
It was no surprise to me. I knew the coffee maker was possessed.
🙂 !!
Not to be paranoid but it’s the Chinese. Tiny bits of espionage plotted and planned by them to weaken and tear at the fabric of our imperialist/capitalist/consumerist nation. I read enough about it in my wife’s supermarket checkout newspapers. The ones with the REAL pictures of the space aliens. Think about it. All these electronic devices are abundant and priced to sell. Why? They are all made in China by workers paid in bags of rice. China. Computers, audio equipment, televisions and even baby monitors. E-gad, they are after our kid’s too! I’m convinced there is a department somewhere in their vast country responsible for inventing and implanting tricky little electronic micro gremlins into all of our consumer electronics. It’s a perfect plan. And not to be discovered. When was the last time you took ANY cheap electronic device into a trained and qualified repair shop that would charge more than the device was worth just to fill out the repair order? No, we go right out and buy a replacement with the newest and gremliest device inside. Doomed I say!
I think you are onto something there, but I will wait for Jennifer Aniston to voice an opinion before making up my mind.
hahaha A Kitchen Cabal!
sigh Yet another cabal.
I’m not allowed to work the appliances. Our coffee maker has a timer function and it is set to accommodate the Mrs’ schedule. It’s a nice arrangement. She gets up earlier than me and I like my coffee to be a little burnt. I’m not in charge of turning things off, because I don’t. I’d suggest getting a new one, but each generation is worse than the one that came before it.
I am tempted to get a blue enamel coffee pot with a peculator and brew only Folgers out of a steel can. The only reason I do not do this, is that I reserve the experience for canoeing in Canada. There is nothing as satisfying and tasty as coffee peculated over a camp fire.
When we have lost power, my wife brewed coffee on our wood stove. Very satisfying.
At least with a campfire, the coffee picks up the scent and taste of wood. Nothing better than that.