Stan’s Bad Day

manio1-Digital-Clock-6Someone said that God created my buddy Stan to annoy the rest of us.

Far be it from me to know the mind of God but I understand the reasoning. Stan may be semi-literate, completely unreliable, always unfaithful and utterly unpredictable but he is graced with the best of luck.

While all of God’s other creatures must scratch out a living and worry about the future, Stan floats freely above the fray. It is definitely unfair.

One would think God should favor those who follow his rules and look unkindly on those who do not – but God loves us all equally, it just seems like he loves Stan a little more. However I don’t believe he uses Stan to annoy us, that is not his style, instead I believe God has a supreme sense of humor and Stan is his way of poking gentle fun at our vanities.

The reason I mention this is that Stan recently had a bad day. I have known the man for years and this was the first time I ever saw him truly angry with the world.

“You can’t count on anything these days,” he told me with a very un-Stanlike bitterness.

“What happened?” I asked.

“You know The Pit?”

Yes, I did. It is Stan’s favorite bar; the only one in the metro area that still serves him. Put another way, The Pit is not the portal to the apocalypse – but you can clearly see the welcome sign from there.

I told him I knew the place well.

“Do you know the clock on the micro-wave behind the bar?”

Generally, most bars that cater to customers like Stan do not have clocks – but I could believe that by some tragic over-sight, one was inadvertently admitted into the bar in the form of an LED on a micro-wave.

“Okay….” I said.

“Well, they fixed it!” he said, almost spitting his words.

“What do you mean – fixed it?”

“They set it to the actual time.”

“What difference does that make?” I asked, “You don’t use clocks.”

“Maybe not like you,” he said, “but I use them.”

“Huh?”

“I use them more as a guide. If they tell me I’m late, all I want to know is if I am kinda late or really late… “

“Stan, you are always really late.”

“But not really, really late and that’s what I need a clock for.”

“So what happened?” I asked.

“Darcy called and said she wanted to meet me before she went to work at five o’clock.”

Darcy is Stan’s unstable ex-girlfriend and current sister-in-law.

I nodded my head to keep the conversation flowing.

“The last thing I wanted was to run into Darcy, so I planned to arrive just in time for her to leave.”

“So?”

“So I hung out at The Pit until the clock on the micro-wave read 4:00 then I hustled over to meet Darcy.”

“And?”

“And it really was four o’clock!”

“So you talked to Darcy?”

He looked at me in disbelief. “I didn’t say that. No one ever talks to Darcy,” he said, “she does all the talking.”

“So why didn’t you tell her you didn’t want to meet?”

“I couldn’t do that.”

“It would be the honest thing to do.”

“Yeah, but I am the only one she can talk to.”

“So what did she have to say?”

“I don’t know, when I saw her there, I split.”

“Is she mad at you now?”

“Nope, she called to say she was sorry we didn’t link up and how much she appreciates me being there for her to talk to.”

“Well, there you go….”

“Yeah,  I’m really losing my faith,” he wailed, “What could I have done to deserve THAT?”

Author: Almost Iowa

www.almostiowa.com

19 thoughts on “Stan’s Bad Day”

    1. The Pit is a real place and tells a sad story. Its original name, The Pit and Paddock, reflected its owner’s love of all things racing. In the 1960’s, Dewey (the owner) raced the European road circuit in a stunning silver Ferrari. With age, he lost his edge and eventually drank himself to death. In his last few years, his bar became The Pit of hell.

        1. Actually, Stan’s favorite place (and mine) was the piano shop just up the street from The Pit. Every night for almost fifteen years, musicians, neighbors, street-people and whoever happened by, would gather after business hours to make music and sing all night long.

          The owner, who happened to be my cousin, in Saint Paul it seems everyone is my cousin, died of cancer last year. Two days before he died, he and his wife recorded the score of their last cribbage game. It went into a journal of thirty-two years of cribbage playing. They always played a game of cribbage together after sharing breakfast – and never once missed a game. I have heard and read many definitions of love – but that tops them all.

  1. If Darcy is Stan ex, how come the poor girl doesn’t know Stan’s late habits. When you tell Stan five it will be six when she shows? Or why didn’t she just go down to The Pit. I understand that the Four Horseman and Charon can be found there. Surely she could have talked to one of them if not Stan.

    1. What was it that Woody Allen said? “The Bible: four thousand pages and not a single joke.” I don’t know what to say, I haven’t read the whole book – but I look around at creation and find a lot to laugh about.

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