Are You Compatible?

Being a guy whose wife says he is contentedly married, I have to ask, have any of you visited a dating website?

If so, do any of the following items appear on their compatibility questionnaire.

• Do you pick your nose when company is present?
• How soon will you regain that 30 pounds?
• Which rattles the house harder? A pile driver or your snoring?

If these questions do not appear, they should.

It is perfectly natural to put your best foot forward when entering into any new relationship. It is also fun for others to actually believe you are attractive, carefree and intelligent; at least until they get to know you.

But that’s just it, relationships are about getting to know each other and the sad fact about marriage (and darn near everything else) is that we are measured not by what we do best, but what we do worst.

So I have a great idea for dating sites.

Instead of encouraging people to tell white lies about their taste in music, movies or desire for long walks on the beach, why not put the candidates through a trial by fire? Why not toss them together into a virtual life before they meet face ti face?

They could start by cleaning out a virtual garage.

Here’s how it would work.

When you sign up for the dating site, instead of receiving a questionnaire, you get a virtual garage. Once you have filled the virtual space with virtual stuff, you are free to roam among the herds of potential mates.

When you find someone you like, who likes you, you are both given a simple challenge – merge your stuff.

As in all things relationship-wise, the guys are at a disadvantage since they have the largest stuff.

The guys will find themselves backed against a virtual wall by trying to defend the rusting hulk of a 69′ Charger – not touched since 1980.

If the couple gets past that – there is hope.

Now it’s her turn – she faces the prospect of tossing out the garden tools that have blocked access to the rusting hulk of the 69′ Charger since 1980. Here he has the upper hand.

“But dear”, he types, “we live in a Condo!”

To which she replies wistfully “but some day we will move…”

This is a moment of crisis. The guy has not even met the girl and already she has him packing his stuff for a move across town.

Once that hurdle is cleared, things really get nasty. The site tempers the flame of their relationship with other virtual challenges:

• The virtual bathroom: toilet seat up or down, toilet roll furled toward or away from the wall.
• The virtual cat box: who cleans it and how often?
• The virtual bookcase: what occupies the top shelf? Romance novels or the vintage Playboy collection?
• The virtual refrigerator: beer or broccoli?
• The virtual desk: scattering of unpaid bills or stacks of partially filled photo albums.
• The virtual closet: sixteen linear feet of women clothes or enough space to tuck a pair of guy’s jeans?
• The virtual spare bedroom: office or sewing room?

Everyone knows how these tests turn out. He loses the Charger, she keeps the tools. He loses the toilet seat war, she wins the toilet roll war. He cleans the cat-box (twice a day), she packs the bookcase with romance novels. His beer is relegated to the porch so she can stuff the refrigerator with broccoli and we all know the desk and closet are decidedly hers.

But that is not the point.

The secret to any successful relationship is not whether she pulls it off, but how.

How can she convince him it was all his idea?

Is he left with any dignity intact?

How will she give him a glimmer of hope that one day when all her stuff is moved across town he might eventually have: …space to store a Charger, a second bathroom, no cat, a spare bookcase, a frig for beer, a desk and a closet?

These things are the essence of a relationship, not those silly walks on the beach that couples only do when dating.

 

Note: I will off the grid until Jan. 13, if you leave a comment I will reply then.