Wintertime is a great time to buy yard gear. The prices are low and you have all spring to digest the manuals. With that in mind, I recently bought a new chainsaw. So far I haven’t gotten beyond the first helping of instructions – here is an example of what’s on my plate:
Congratulation on the purchase of your TXS 10 chainsaw from Massey-Cree Inc. This is the finest chainsaw you can afford. Read this manual carefully and review it repeatedly until you can understand and follow all safety rules, precautions and operating instructions before attempting to do something useful.
A FEW SAFETY TIPS
- Do not operate your chainsaw while angry.
- Do not operate your chainsaw when intoxicated beyond what you can normally handle.
- Do not operate your chainsaw under extreme fatigue unless you are earning double-time.
- Do not operate your chainsaw in the presence of children, bystanders or animals, and no, your in-laws are not an exception.
OPERATE YOUR SAW SAFELY
- Do not attempt to juggle the TXS 10 in a closet.
- Do not operate this chainsaw at your ex-spouse’s wedding.
- Do not climb a tree and yell, “Look at me” with a running chainsaw. Turn the saw off and place it carefully where you cannot not fall on it before climbing into a tree and yelling like an idiot.
WARNING!!
Trees are living things. They are probably a lot smarter than you and are devilishly clever at defending themselves. Here are a few of the ways they can mess with you:
Rotational Kickback occurs because some tree-loving hippie has driven a nine-inch nail into the Sequoia you intend to poach. The nail will stop your chainsaw suddenly and all that energy has to go somewhere. The TXS 10 may lack the power to slice through a lilac bush but it can toss you into the next county.
Pinch Kickback happens when an angry tree clamps down on your blade and stops it cold. Think of it like Jujitsu – everything you were putting into that tree is now being put into you. [Men, it’s a great idea to wear athletic protection when operating a chainsaw]
Pull-in happens because you’re a cheap son-of-a-bitch who is using a TXS 10 where you should be using a TXS 100. All you have managed to do with your little TXS 10 is piss off a very large, very mean tree, so don’t be shocked when it pulls you real close – so you two can discuss. This process takes no more than a quarter of a second and is known in the industry as Tree Love.
THE TXS 10 IS FOR CASUAL USE ONLY
The TXS 10 was designed and constructed in a region of China not known for trees. Hell, no one has seen a stick around these parts since the Ming Dynasty. Our engineers burn horse dung for fuel and use Yak bones to hold up their yurts, so don’t think you can do anything serious with the TXS 10, such as use it for protection in an inner-city laundromat after 10 p.m.. If you want to do more, don’t be a cheap son-of-a-bitch and pop for a TXS 100.
Usually, a comic bit, spoken or written, achieves its humor via crescendo–a build-up. When I got to your next-to-last paragraph, the climax of your piece, I felt the Pull-In–I was laughing so hard at “Tree Love”, I hurt. And then I laughed harder at the last paragraph. So I reread both of them, and they are just as funny standalone. No build-up needed.
So good.
Greg, Out brought me back here, so I read it again. That manual was probably written in China. Heck, they should have hired Helen C. She speaks wonderful English. Ummm, reminds me of the instructions for smoking electronic cigarettes. Great fun to read even though it wasn’t legible.
Poor trees, fighting wind, chainsaw, and dog. I shall watch warily to see how they defend themselves when I next let the dog out. Loved this post.
Shopping! Yee-haw. Backward birds—well that’s a given.
brilliant. this gave me a good laugh.
Glad you liked it. I had fun writing it.
I have chosen not to make chainsaws a part of my life. However, my neighbor found his chainsaw very useful when he had to widen the apron of ice to allow his car access to his driveway. I believe he followed all of your rules.
Could we be in “The Winter of the Chainsaw”? A guy down the road did the same thing to free his pole barn from a monstrous icicle.
Brilliant piece of satire! I loved it! 😀
Hey thanks.
Only your family will know you should have sprung for the TXS100 when they are planning the funeral. So keep the receipt.
Will do,
I’ll also let them know which tree did me in so the police or at least the county agricultural agent can make it pay for it’s crime.
This is hilarious, and probably the most text I’ve ever actually read in a manual, ever.
I know what you mean, I tried reading the manual on-line and all I got for my effort was the imprint of the keyboard on my forehead as I nodded off.
Your manual sounds more helpful than the real manual one probably is.
At least I hope that it is an entertaining. 🙂
That was incredibly funny, thanks! And helpful too. I know now I must never ever come near a chainsaw.
Oh, don’t worry about the saw, more people have been injured by the manual.
If not injured, at least they may have had their feelings hurt;)
I don’t use chainsaws for one good reason. I talk to the trees.
You got to love those guys. 🙂
Thank you for that, Dan. Great to see again 🙂