Dear Wells Fargo

71px-Wells_Fargo_Bank.svgDear Wells Fargo,

I thought our relationship was irreparably damaged, so receiving this offer in the mail came as quite a shock. While I am flattered, let me ask the obvious question, have you learned anything?

Do you remember the last time we spoke? Can you recall how we quarreled?

Let me refresh your memory. After you arbitrarily hiked my interest rate to 18.9%, I called you up to talk but you refused to discuss it. Your attitude was “my way or the highway”, so I chose the later. Now, you entreat me to come back to you.

What has changed?

If you are not going to mention our unresolved issues, I will.

You need to work on your unrealistic expectations and abusive behavior. You set arbitrary deadlines then make staggering demands when your expectations are not met. In a normal relationship, when one party disappoints the other, say by missing a deadline – they apologize – but you want money. This is not how to advance a relationship.

And while we can both agreed it is important to clearly spell out what we expect of each other, do you really believe a six page Terms and Conditions document is an appropriate vehicle for that?

Admittedly, your latest attempt does not reflect the poor writing and muddled thinking of your prior documents, but it is still as one-sided as ever.

You demand so much of others but fail to apply the same demands to yourself, like when you insist that I abide by your Terms and Conditions – then you hike my interest rate on a whim.

You need to work on this because it has become a pattern with you.

Do you remember how at the time of our break-up, you were $25 Billion in debt? Can you recall how everyone stepped in to bail you out? To be fair, you made things right, but then you turned right around and gouged all the very people who came to your aid.

Is this the way to treat others?

Now, after all that, I get this boiler-plate letter that clearly illustrates you have not learned a thing.

Well, I have…. and I have moved beyond you.

Wells, you are a strong, successful and popular bank, you certainly do not need me. So I ask politely that you quit pursuing me and direct your ardor toward someone as self-centered and ambitious as yourself.

Have you considered the Kardashians?

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