Tag: stuff

Ring!

“Hello?”

“Stan?”

“Who else could it be?”

With my old buddy Stan, one can never be sure. It’s not that someone else might answer his phone, which is entirely possible, rather it is more a matter of which Stan will pick up.

And with his mercurial personality, that varies by the moment.

Considering that I hadn’t spoken with him in months, it was imperative that I get a feel for which Stan I was talking to before imparting the big news.

“I called to tell you something.”

“What?”

“We sold our house.”

It didn’t seem to phase him.

“And I need to borrow your truck and trailer to move.”

“Sure.”

So now I knew who I was talking to, the Stan who fails to understand the implications of very simple things.

..

Perfect!!

..

You see, eight years ago when we moved into our country home, I acquired a large empty shed. I still have the shed, but it is not empty and what is in there are not things I ever wanted to be there.

My buddy Stan contributed the largest share – usually by dropping things of dubious origin off in the middle of the night and my wife contributed the remainder – usually after saying, “I can’t bear to throw this away, but I don’t want to look at it.”

Which raised several dilemmas:

1) Problem 1: How to stuff the contents of a 40′ X 80′ shed into a 8′ X 53′ trailer.

Solution: ordering the largest roll-off dumpster one can find.

2) Problem 2: Who is going to help?

Solution: ask those whose stuff it is to help.

3) Problem 3: What goes into the trailer and what goes into the dumpster?

Solution: problem solved by those whose stuff it is refusing to help.

So I established my own criteria:

a) If it was broken, toss it.

b) If it was forgotten about, forget about it and toss it.

c) If the question, “MY GOD, WHY DID YOU THROW THAT AWAY?” cannot be answered with a shrug, put it in the trailer.

d) If it is mechanical yet still growls or hisses when you approach, it is probably Stan’s and will have to decide on its own where it wishes to reside.

Lastly, allow me to describe the sheer joy of filling the largest roll-off dumpster that one can find.

I hope heaven is half as good.

***

Ring!

“Hello?”

“Stan?”

“Yeah?”

“I filled the trailer with your stuff.”

“Great, just put it in your new shed.”

“Uh……,I guess you didn’t hear, but we downsized to a townhouse. There is no shed.”

“So where are you going to put it?”

“I found the perfect place.”

“Cool.”

“At the end of your driveway.”