After supper, I removed a list from my shirt pocket and smoothed it out on the tabletop.
“It’s time to get started,” I told my wife.
“On what?” she asked.
“Cat’s annual performance review,” I told her.
As if she didn’t know.
“You have got to be kidding,” she said.
She does not take these things seriously – but I do.
To be clear, Cat is the name of our cat and his last two reviews were complete disasters. An entire year had passed without any noticeable sign of improvement and according to our process, my hands are tied. After three consecutive bad reviews, our only option was termination.
Cat must be banished to the shed as an outside cat.
“Before you start ranting,” she said, “let’s hear something positive about him.”
I conceded he was a superb mouser.
“Wait!” she said, “He should hear this.”
She reached for his treat jar and ever so lightly, thunked it with a fingernail.
Cat came bounding into the room, tail held high.
“And?” she asked.
“And he can be an affectionate pet,” I said with all sincerity.
By engaging cat in meaningful dialog, I had hoped to meet him halfway. Instead he sniffed the air while tracking the erratic flight of a moth across the ceiling.
“Typical lack of focus,” I grumbled, glaring out a window.
“We must make allowances, being a cat,” my wife explained, “he has certain….” Here she struggled for the right words. “Learning and communication challenges.”
I would have none of it.
Rattling my list, I asked, “Can we begin?”
“Sure,” she said, picking up her sewing.
“Point A: Violation of security. Cat has been repeatedly escorted out of places where he has no right to be. He has been caught sleeping on the bed, clattering among the dishes and scaling the bookcase to get at the glasses of milk I inadvertently leave there.”
“We must do a better job of closing doors and picking up ourselves,” my wife said.
I resented her lack of the plural in the word we.
“Point B: Behavioral Issues. He swats and hisses at the grandchildren.”
That got her attention.
“Well,” she rationalized, “the girls do like to dress him up in doll clothing.”
We were going nowhere fast.
“Point C: Vandalism. He insists on leaping up onto my toilet lid and batting at the toilet paper. He doesn’t stop until he has unfurled the roll all over the floor and halfway down the hall.”
Laughing, my wife waved a hand to cut me off. “He only does that when you put the roll on the wrong way.”
There is no proper way to mount toilet paper?
Not wanting to debate the point, I plowed on.
“Point D: Personal Hygiene. Cat refuses to bury his business and sometimes, little bits cling to his fur which then drop off in embarrassing places.”
My wife almost fell off her chair laughing. When she regained her composure, she scolded me, “You need to change his litter more often.”
“I?” I asked.
“Yes, you..”
“Excuse me,” I protested, “whose review is this anyway, cat’s or mine?”
“Now that you mention it,” she said opening a drawer in her sewing table.
She then produced a list of her own.
“Point A….,” she began.
Almost Iowa 
FaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaABULOUS.
from a CAT lover in Duluth!!!
Love this one! Yes, we have cats…
Enjoyed this. Having four feline furfaces of my own, I truly relate.
🙂 I’m more interested in your cat’s review of your performance.
Scheduling: Erratic feeding and litter changing schedule. D-
Petting: Not always available for petting when wanted. C
Play Time: Toys not always available. Have sometimes had to make-do with what’s available (e.g., toilet paper roll). C+
Personal Hygiene: Only bathes once a day. Typical smelly human. B-
So, which is the right way to hang toilet paper? If you don’t know, then ask your wife.
Hanging the toilet paper roll wrong is just inviting disaster – with cats and toddlers…and drunks alike. like the old saying goes, “If it spins, gravity wins”
Never had that problem with drunks. One did eat a roll though.
I love “I resented her lack of plural in the word we.” Well done.
I liked that line too. Plural only happens when she says, “I am going shopping”. When I hear that I pack up a novel and my reading glasses and prepare to send an afternoon on the man-bench in women’s-apparel.
I adore this one. Thanks for making me smile this morning 🙂
Glad you like it. Wait until we get the chickens… then I will have some real stories to tell 🙂
Chickens are hilarious. You will love it.
You are a brave soul. Taking your life into your hands. Haven’t you heard that dogs have owners and cats have staff.
I’ve been employed as CAT-STAFF for years, or at least that is what my t-shirt reads.
A little chuckle on this one…You can’t win! The cat stays in!
The cat stays in and I stay out. It’s not fair because I pay half the mortgage….
Haha. Good luck. Cats don’t accept reproach. The question is, how did your appraisal go? Do you have a 90 day performance enhancement plan in place?
My appraisal went poorly. It was my third and final review before sanctions took hold. I promised an enhancement plan – but the Mrs said I would have to work on it from the shed. Seems like that happens to all the guys around here. We live in our pole barns.
Gahahaha! I concur with Barbara… clearly, your wife saw you deflecting. And we should never leave glasses of milk on our bookcases. Poor cat. Having to tolerate such indignities…
Hey, I’m going to use the same defense that works for cat. I’m just a guy, I can’t help myself,
Had to share this with my FB friends… too funny, Iowa! Love it…
Thanks for the shout-out. It will go a long way toward earning me the infamy I so richly deserve.
There is no infamy like Facebook infamy, Iowa. But all my friends are lovely people… no, really, they are. 🙂 And you’re welcome… Next to the post about changing your password, this is one of my very favourites!!
That may work for the cat. But it won’t work for you. He’s cuter than you.
LOL!!! I knew you were doomed from: ““Sure,” she said, picking up her sewing.”
I was doomed long before that. … 🙂
Vehemently clicking “like” button…..