An Inquest into the Aftermath of the Humpty-Dumpty Affair

fundraw-dot-com-humpty-dumpty-2-800pxDeposition of General Jabberwocky, July 19, ’17.

Inquisitor: Can you recreate the tragic moment for us?

General J: Suddenly Humpty began flailing his arms like counter-rotating propellers – then SPLAT!!

Inquisitor: Just like that?

General J: Well, yes but balancing a round shell atop a thin brick wall does requires a level of coordination that Humpty simply didn’t have after downing a half-pint of rum.

Inquisitor: Rum?

General J: He had been drinking – but no more than any other aging celebrity.

Inquisitor: Then you attribute his demise to inebriation?

General J: Not entirely, He was vigorously waving a flag but yes, his shape was most certainly a factor

Inquisitor: (shuffling papers) What happened next?

General J: Bedlam and chaos ensued. The Queen trilled. A maid shrieked and the King muttered, ‘Oh, bother!’

Inquisitor: Did either the King or Queen issue orders at that time?

General J: Yes, the Queen issued a verbal command that ‘All the king’s horses and all the king’s men put Humpty-Dumpty together again’

Inquisitor: Did anyone question the utility of employing so many resources?

General J: No. It is not the military’s role to question orders. Besides the queen has quite a nasty temper and I doubt it would have done much good.

Inquisitor: What then?

General J: After cordoning off the scene, my staff convened a conference on how best to carry out the mission.

Inquisitor: Did you or anyone on your staff calculate a cost/benefit analysis at that time?

General J: No

Inquisitor: Did anyone author a risk analysis?

General J: No one.

Inquisitor: Or produce a business plan, project schedule or a time and materials estimate?

General J: No sir.

Inquisitor: (exasperated) Then how did you proceed?

General J: We divided the scene into grids and assigned each grid to a platoon.

Inquisitor: And the horses.

General J: (mumble)

Inquisitor: Speak up, General.

General J: We rode them around in circles, per the Queen’s mandate to involve them.

Inquisitor: Let’s cut to the chase. When did you first question whether success was achievable?

General J: (studies his notes)

Inquisitor: Allow me to fill you in, it was three years later at a cabinet meeting with the Prime Minister. Correct?

General J: Yes, the Prime Minister.

Inquisitor: And you told him what?

General J: I expressed my doubts about continuing to involve ALL the king’s horses and ALL the kings men in the project.

Inquisitor: And at that time, the project still had no plan, no cost analysis, no risk analysis and no accountability whatsoever?

General J: Yes, but I wouldn’t put it like that.

Inquisitor: And how did the Prime Minister respond?

General J: He explained that a busy army was a happy army.

Inquisitor: And?

General J: He noted that the guilds were happy building barracks for the troops and stables for their mounts.

Inquisitor: And?

General J: And the burgers were happy supplying porter, porridge and pies to the army.

Inquisitor: And?

General J: Even the clerics were happy selling indulgences because everyone was indulging themselves on their good fortune.

Inquisitor: Who were the happiest?

General J: Why, the bankers, of course.

Inquisitor: Did the Prime Minister indicate that anyone was unhappy?

General J: Not at that time.

Inquisitor: When did the Prime Minister realize that the peasants were unhappy with the project?

General J: Six months into the tax rebellion.

Inquisitor: Thank you, General. You have been very helpful. That concludes our inquest…

General J: For the record, allow me to reiterate that all the stakeholders expressed complete delight with our progress…..

Inquisitor: Guards, please escort the general back to his cell… and for heaven sake, do clean him up a bit.  He has egg on his face.

%d bloggers like this: