The Monster Under My Bed

liz2-800pxLike most kids, I had a monster living under my bed.

He was large, larger than most, with green metallic scales that shimmered in the dark and eyes that cast a ghostly yellow glow against the wall.  

As he tormented me, he would slowly rake his half-moon claws across the floor.

“Are you asleep yet?” he’d hiss.

“Why do you want to know,” I’d whisper.

“You know,” he’d growl, “and don’t pretend you don’t.”

I did – which is why I never closed my eyes at night.

“Why don’t you eat one of my brothers instead?” I’d offer.  

“Because they told me to eat YOU,” he’d cackle..

As time passed, I realized he probably would not eat me, so I learned to ignore his threats. But he merely shifted gears; instead of threatening me directly, he played on the fears I brought to bed with me.

“You didn’t do your homework, did you?” he’d ask.

“Naw,” I’d tell him.

“Sister Alice is going to shake you like a rat-terrier when she finds out,” he’d say and he was always right.

Over the years, his threats lost their sting. By my early twenties, I thought it was kinda psychedelic to have a monster under my bed and we became the best of friends. We partied together, traveled together and did things together that make me shudder when I think about them today..

One time when a couple of bikers invited us on a trip into the Utah desert, he told me not to ride with them.

“Why not?” I asked.

“They’re monsters,” he said.

“How do you know?”

“It takes one to know one.”

In time, he went his way and I went mine but now after all these years, my old friend has moved back under my bed  He still doesn’t reveal much of himself – just the ghostly yellow glow of his eyes reflecting off the wall and the familiar rattle of his claws against the floor as he whispers to me.

“That tightness in your chest,” he hisses, “think about it.”

“I do,” I whisper.

“Do you know what it is?”

“No,” I say.

“It’s nothing,” he growls. “but that pain lower down, now there is something to be worried about.”

Posted in Childhood, Comedy, Essay, Fantasy, Humor, Humor Essay, Satire, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 26 Comments